The Gods Never Urinate

The Gods Never Urinate

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zeus-heraIt’s true: the gods never have to go pee.

Unless they want to, that is. But they’re never inconvenienced by it. As far as I know, never in the history of human mythology has a divine being hurried someone else along during a meeting, or interrupted some vital piece of work, to relieve themselves. Even nature deities, whom you’d image to be most in tune with this sort of bodily necessity among the living, and, presumably, have some sway over its function (or lack thereof… yow!), don’t seem to bother with it themselves.

Eating? Sure, okay.

Sex? Yes, please.

Excretion? Nothing beyond normal breathing, thank you.

And that is the true magic of deities, and why fantasy is destined, on the longest scales, to have greater longevity than science fiction. Because fantasy never gets brought down to the level of the mundane. It never misses a mark that reality has hit square. Science fiction, for all its glories, inevitably diverges from reality, and rarely for the better. We expect science fiction to be somewhat oracular, in that the technologies and situations presented remain plausible.

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A Review of Warhammer: Knight Errant

A Review of Warhammer: Knight Errant

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knight-errant-warhammer-reynoldsKnight Errant
Anthony Reynolds
BL Publishing (411 pages, $7.99, 2008)
Reviewed by Bill Ward

Every race or culture in Warhammer has fairly clear antecedents — Dark Elves are reminiscent of Moorcock’s Melnibonéans, Orcs and Goblins have their ultimate roots in Tolkien, and human societies like the Norsca and Kislivites have obvious historical counterparts. But it’s almost odd that the Bretonnians, a society modeled on Medieval France, have received as little attention as they have because, when most people think of secondary world fantasy, it is Medieval Europe that immediately springs to mind as the foundation for such worlds. Not so in Warhammer, which overwhelmingly focuses on the territory of the Empire, a society modeled on the Renaissance principalities of Germany.

But with Knight Errant, Anthony Reynolds sets out to give the Bretonnians their due, with what is obviously the first book of a planned series chronicling the adventures of a young knight named Calard. Calard is the first son and heir of the Lord Garamont, castellan of Bastonne, one of the primary dukedoms of the realm of Bretonnia. Bretonnia is patterned on Medieval France, with similar names, chivalric code, heraldry, emphasis on mounted combat, and feudal structure. But this is also the world of Medieval romances such as the Song of Roland and Le Morte D’Artur, complete with a Lady in the Lake, magic weapons, and knights who have sworn to quest for the Holy Grail.

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Art of the Genre: An Inteview with Will McLean

Art of the Genre: An Inteview with Will McLean

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Two months ago I had the pleasure of writing up a small nostalgia piece on the Art of Will McLean, and after it hit the press John O’Neill gets me on my cell and tells me ‘It’s not enough!’. Ryan Harvey and I got a kick out of that, to be sure, both of us taking in some sun on the Black Gate L.A. corporate terrace. Such rants by John always elicit great mirth when we are both well aware of his location some 2118 miles away, meaning he has little power over us.

mclean-snake-ii-254Still, I was both moved and intrigued when a message from Mr. McLean showed up on my blog a few days later. This pushed me to consider that my article was indeed, as John insisted ‘not enough!’. Weeks passed, and John kept at me until he finally forced my hand with a full travel itinerary showing up at the office by Wells Fargo courier and the next thing I knew I was once again on a Zeppelin with an interview in mind.

The destination… Malvern Pennsylvania, a fine and upstanding Victorian era borough of less than four thousand people that resides some twenty-five miles west of Philadelphia, and home to Will McLean. Having spent twelve years in Maryland, this was fairly familiar country to me, and I eased into a transition from the heat of L.A. to the seemingly never ending winter of the northeast.

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WAY OF THE WIZARD Giveaway

WAY OF THE WIZARD Giveaway

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wayofthewizard6
Over at Goodreads, editor John Joseph Adams is giving away 10 free copies of the stupendous WAY OF THE WIZARD anthology. The book is packed full of terrific fantasy tales featuring wizards, warlocks, witches, sorcerers, magicians, and other workers of magic.

I’m proud to have a story in the book (“The Thirteen Texts of Arthyria”) but some of my personal favorites are George R. R. Martin’s “Into the Lost Lands,” Neil Gaiman’s “How to Sell the Ponti Bridge” (possibly my favorite Gaiman tale ever!), Jeffrey Ford’s mindbending “The Sorcerer Minus,” Susana Clarke’s mythic “John Uskglass and the Cambrian Charcoal Burner,” Robert Silverberg’s “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice,” Adam-Troy Castro’s “Cerile and the Journeyer,” Mike Resnick’s haunting “Winter Solstice,” and Kelly Link’s superb “The Wizards of Perfil.” And there are tons more great tales here.

Click over to http://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/10571-the-way-of-the-wizardand snag your free copy!

Cheers,
John

Conan Soundtrack: I Got a Fever, and the Prescription is MORE ANVIL!

Conan Soundtrack: I Got a Fever, and the Prescription is MORE ANVIL!

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vikingsBack in the dim mists of 1997, the City of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra and Chorus recorded a music festival devoted to Warriors of the Silver Screen. All sword and sandal-type movie music. I was thrilled with it, mostly because the conductor clearly appreciated Nascimbene’s score for 1958’s The Vikings. He liked it so much, he ended the album with a suite from the score, featuring full orchestra and chorus. Who can forget those hearty longship voices singing, during the Viking funeral at the end:

Kirk Douglas! Kirk Douglas!
You should have worn your eyegear while training falcons!

I think. Wow, Taras Bulba too! Talk about a blast from the swashbuckler past. That one’s so old, Yul Brynner had hair. Great album, and well worth hunting up.

One of the most tantalizing pieces in the set was taken from Poledouris’s Conan The Barbarian (the “Conan Theme,” to be precise). It featured every metal percussion instrument you could think of, including a hammer and anvil, pounding in time to the Conan music. If a swordfight could be rendered on sheet music, Paul Bateman scored it. After that, I always wished I could get the whole soundtrack done with such innovative orchestration.

In 2010, my musical wet dream finally showed up. Topless. On a rocket sled.

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Jeff Mejia reviews Conan: Ruins of Hyboria

Jeff Mejia reviews Conan: Ruins of Hyboria

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Conan is one of the most influential characters in all of fantasy. His influences has always been felt in the background, but he’s getting a lot more press lately due to an upcoming film adaptation (complete with new trailer). This supplement, reviewed by Jeff Mejia, focuses  not on the man so much as the setting … or rather, a type of setting which is woven into many of the greatest Sword and Sorcery tales (and games).conan-ruins-of-hyboria-vincent-darl15-med

Conan: Ruins of Hyboria

Vincent N. Darlage
Mongoose publishing (156 pages, $29.95, June 2006)
Reviewed by Jeff Mejia

Like many of you, I’m one of those who actually read The Lord of the Rings decades before the movie came out. I would get the books out every couple of years and reread them, and as I did so I would wonder what this locale would look like or how to create that character using my favorite gaming system. When Peter Jackson’s epic movie trilogy came out I was an instant fan; sure they left out a couple of favorite characters and missed a few beats here and there, but for all of that I finally had a glimpse of Middle Earth beyond the Brothers Hildebrandt calendars. For me Jackson’s The Lord of The Rings was a feast for the eyes. And such is the case with Ruins of Hyboria.

From Conan to Thundarr, Ruins have been a staple of Sword and Sorcery fiction. In Ruins of Hyboria by Vincent Darlage, we are not only provided with a system to help create and flesh out ruins of our own creation, we are also treated to full descriptions of some of the more famous ruins in the Conan saga.

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The Novels of Black Gate

The Novels of Black Gate

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childoffire“Why do the review pages always seem to be full of books which no one buys and the bestseller lists full of books no one reviews?”

This was tweeted the other day by a lit. agent called missdaisyfrost and the first thing it brought to my mind was Black Gate.

Day by day, genre short fiction magazines seem to grow more literary even as their sales plummet, while BG — may I call you BG? — is one of the few to proudly assert its pulp roots and to cater to the majority of people who like, you know, something to happen in the stories they read.

So, it’s interesting that while a lot of my fellow BG buddies haven’t had stellar success in most of the Big Mags out there in the wild, many of them are now kicking ass in the real market, novels: the only place outside of Hollywood that writers can make an actual living from their craft.

The first story I ever read in the magazine was Harry Connolly‘s The Whoremaster of Pald. It totally knocked my socks off.

Nor was I the only one to suffer from sudden chills in the foot area — people raved about that story and now, years later, Child of Fire, by the same author has 108 reviews on Amazon.com, most of them equally thrilled.

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The Lord of the Rings: A Personal Reading, Part One

The Lord of the Rings: A Personal Reading, Part One

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The Fellowship of the RingWhen I first read The Lord of the Rings I was young enough that I no longer remember how old I actually was. It’s a story that seems to me to have been around forever, a part of the background from which the world was made. I reread it often, though not as often as I’d like; and I’m not sure that ‘reread’ is even the right word here, because every time I go back to it, it’s a new tale.

These are characteristics of a great book: having read it once, you’re drawn back to it again and again; and, once returned to it, you find always something within it that you did not remember. Or else you find a new way of reading it. You are not the same person and the book is not the same book; the rhythm of the plot has a more subtle balance, the imagery aligns in a new way, the characterisation acquires new significance.

I went back to The Lord of the Rings recently, in part because I had some ideas about character and setting and irony, and how they manifest in the book, and I wanted to see if they made sense. That is, I wanted to see if these ideas suggested, not so much a meaningful way to read the book, but a way to read the book to help one approach the meaning within it. I think they did, and now I want to try to work out how and why.

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Supernatural Spotlight – Episode 6.20 “The Man Who Would Be King”

Supernatural Spotlight – Episode 6.20 “The Man Who Would Be King”

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The Archangel Castiel is confronted about his recent actions.
The Archangel Castiel is confronted about his recent actions.

This week begins with the Archangel Castiel praying in a cemetery, recounting to God some of the wonders he’s encountered over the ages: a fish crawling from the water, the Tower of Babel (there’s only so high you can pile dung), Cain/Abel, David/Goliath, Sodom/Gomorrha, and so on … up until the Apocalypse, which “was averted by two boys, an old drunk, and a fallen angel. The grand story and we ripped up the ending and the rules and destiny, leaving nothing but freedom and choice.” (A lot of good dialogue in this one, so it’ll be a quote-heavy review.)

Except now Castiel has doubts, that maybe he’s made the wrong choice, and he’s seeking guidance from God, so he begins to tell his story.

With the Winchesters, Castiel is still pretending that he doesn’t know whether or not the demon Crowley is alive. In reality, not only is Crowley alive, but he’s currently dissecting Eve’s corpse. “Eve’s brain, dead as a tin kipper, and yet, for some reason, she keeps laying eggs.” Creepy, fish-like eggs, which he pulls out of her guts. And when he electrocutes her brain, it causes seizures in a vampire they have tied up (just for these sorts of experiments, apparently).

Crowley’s concerned that Castiel is distracted, that his affection for the Winchesters is putting their plans to open Purgatory in danger. They’re bickering like an old married couple. “The stench of that Impala is all over your overcoat. I thought we’d agreed, no more nights out with the boys.”

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