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Ellsworth’s Cinema of Swords: They Might Be Giants

Ellsworth’s Cinema of Swords: They Might Be Giants

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The Giant of Marathon (Italy/France, 1959)

When you think of Italian cinema, probably the first thing that comes to mind are its great dramatic directors such as Roberto Rossellini, Vittorio De Sica, and Federico Fellini. But you wouldn’t be reading this fine website devoted to genre fiction if the second thing wasn’t Italy’s action films, the Spaghetti Westerns, such as The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly from the decade of 1964-74, and the historical epics from the decade before that, the so-called peplum or sword-and-sandal adventures. The latter movies, with their sword-swinging action heroes, fall inside the ambit of this article series, where we frequently try to draw you attention to them, little known as many of them are to American or British film fans. Here we are again this week, with three more you ought to know about.

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A (Black) Gat in the Hand: The Murdering Spinsters

A (Black) Gat in the Hand: The Murdering Spinsters

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“You’re the second guy I’ve met within hours who seems to think a gat in the hand means a world by the tail.” – Phillip Marlowe in Raymond Chandler’s The Big Sleep

(Gat — Prohibition Era term for a gun. Shortened version of Gatling Gun)

In Brooklyn during World War II, a pair of black widows were luring men to their deaths. They preyed upon older, lonely men without family or close friends. With a “Room for rent” sign hanging in the front window of their idyllic-looking home, they fed arsenic-laced wine to their victims. A male relative who lived with them buried the bodies in the basement, with no one the wiser. The women were in fact little old ladies: think Aunt Bee as a serial killer.

But a nephew came over and found a body in window seat – the thirteenth victim. He slowly realized that his two loveable old aunts were killers. Then, his brother, a murderer on the lam from the police, showed up with his lackey in tow. It’s a hardboiled, true crime story that curiously, is largely forgotten today.

Just kidding! It’s actually Arsenic and Old Lace, a smash stage play that became a popular movie starring Cary Grant, Raymond Massey and Peter Lorre. The play ran on Broadway for 1,444 performances and is still in wide use today.

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Goth Chick News: Get Ready Vampire Fans, this is Our Year

Goth Chick News: Get Ready Vampire Fans, this is Our Year

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It might be due to this being the 125th anniversary of Dracula, written by Bram Stoker and published in 1897. Or, it could be because it has taken 10 years to fully cleanse our collective pallets of emo, flannel-wearing vampires following the movie version of Stephanie Meyers’ Breaking Dawn (Part 2) hitting theaters in 2012. Whatever the reason, the second half of 2022 is about to play host to a plethora of traditional vampire entertainment; meaning if you’re a fan of vampires actually doing vampy things like sucking blood and dressing well, then readers – this is our year.

Below are the three offerings I’m most excited about. This would also have included a theatrical remake of Salem’s Lot had production delays not bumped it to April 2023. Still I’m quivering beneath my bodice and the thought of all the vampire goodness we have to look forward to.

Check it.

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Goth Chick News: X Marks the Spot for Another Entertaining Outing from Ti West and A24

Goth Chick News: X Marks the Spot for Another Entertaining Outing from Ti West and A24

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In March of this year, I told you about what was the latest offering from A24 entitled X. Though I love Ti West as a director/writer, I honestly wasn’t expecting too much from this film; after all, the movie title said it all. X combined the cheesy porn movie scene of the late 70’s with the hack-and-slash of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Not precisely a description that would normally get me to the theater.

But color me shocked when I walked out thinking about how entertaining X turned out to be. West did a masterful job telling a story that had humor, characters that I actually cared about, and a nice level of knuckle-biting suspense. It also wasn’t the senseless bloodbath I completely expected and this was thanks to the unconventional character who turned out to be the killer. Which brings me to the prequel I’m about to tell you about.

**Note: If you haven’t seen X and want to be surprised, stop reading now as I’m about to drop some serious spoilers…

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Ellsworth’s Cinema of Swords: Boarding Party Bingo

Ellsworth’s Cinema of Swords: Boarding Party Bingo

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Captain Horatio Hornblower (USA, 1951)

The Age of Sail lasted almost three millennia until wind power was replaced by steam in the late 1800s — a time that, in the mid-twentieth century, was still within living memory. Swashbuckling sea stories are still with us, but as a subject for big-budget movies, they peaked in the early Fifties. Like Westerns, many of these sea stories followed formula, and while some were great, most were considerably less than that. Let’s look at three cutlass-swinging adventures from 1951-52, two of which are worth watching even seventy years later. Out swords and pistols, me lads, and prepare to board!
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Goth Chick News: Halloween Ends Is Likely Not the End

Goth Chick News: Halloween Ends Is Likely Not the End

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Last week I dropped a little truth on how box office take determines which movies and movie makers continue to get funded, or not. Using the example of Rob Zombie’s forthcoming The Munsters movie, I laid out the financial equation which allows films such as this to be foisted on an unsuspecting audience, whether the audience wants it or not. Now, keep that in mind while we examine this phenomenon from a different angle.

The very lucrative Halloween franchise, birthed by John Carpenter in 1978, has since had many foster parents, including Rob Zombie who cranked out two Halloween movies of his own in 2007 and 2009. Perhaps it is no coincidence that after those two efforts, death-defying slasher Michael Myers had the longest hiatus of his bloody career, as it would be nine years before anyone took another stab at a Halloween movie.

Enter GCN favorite Jason Blum and Blumhouse Productions. Blumhouse, who has been the driving force behind quite a few horror movie successes, partnered with Malek Akkad, the son of the late Moustapha Akkad, executive producer of the original Halloween franchise. In theory, their goal was to produce a 3-movie bookend to the franchise by bringing back scream queen extraordinaire Jamie Lee Curtis to reprise her role as Laurie Strode, the quintessential “final girl” from five of the prior films. This partnership gave us Halloween (2018) and Halloween Kills (2021), returning 17x and 6.5x profit to operating budget respectively, virtually ensuring Blumhouse would get another $20M to create the final film in his trilogy.

Which brings us to the thirteenth installment of the Halloween film franchise, Halloween Ends, whose first-look trailer was released this week.

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Goth Chick News: Why Comments About Rob Zombie’s Munsters Are (Likely) Far More Entertaining Than the Movie Will Be…

Goth Chick News: Why Comments About Rob Zombie’s Munsters Are (Likely) Far More Entertaining Than the Movie Will Be…

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I’ll start this by saying I have nothing against Rob Zombie in general. As a musician, he has sold millions of albums, had Grammy nominations and sold-out concert venues for the past 20 years. Though I am not a fan of his movies, a little research explained why he keeps getting funding to make them. In general, a movie is considered a success if it makes a minimum of 2x its overall budget, but in reality, this is more like 3x or above. I actually researched all of Zombie’s theatrical releases and on average, his movies make 3.21x their budgets. So, though they are not considered blockbusters (for example, Top Gun: Maverick is currently at 7x its operating budget and counting), Zombie’s films definitely do well enough to keep getting made. Which brings me to Zombie’s latest film: The Munsters.

According to various interviews, Zombie like many of us, grew up watching reruns of the original Musters TV show, whose 70 episodes ran from 1964-1966. Zombie’s most famous song, “Dragula,” is named after the Munsters’ car built by Grandpa to win a drag race, and the chorus of the song quotes Grandpa directly. I get it, Zombie loves The Munsters. The question was whether or not a self-taught filmmaker whose prior films have been described as “grotesque,” “violent,” and “one giant loogie” was capable of creating a true homage to a cult classic like The Munsters?

Apparently, and unsurprisingly, the answer is no.

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Goth Chick News: Taking a Trip Back to Jerusalem’s Lot

Goth Chick News: Taking a Trip Back to Jerusalem’s Lot

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Though Lapvona, a historical fiction tale by Ottessa Moshfegh, tops thirteen separate summer reading lists, it was not one of the books I took with me on a recent two-weeker through South America. Tropical blue waters and umbrella drinks in no way dissuaded me from delving into my favorite genre, and though I’ll be getting to Lapvona eventually, I opted for some classics on this trip: namely Mary Shelley, Bram Stoker and dare I say it, Stephen King.

If you haven’t heard, part of King’s current monopoly on movies, limited series and episodic juggernauts, is a remake of ‘Salem’s Lot. The original screen adaptation of King’s 1975 vampire story was a made-for-TV, two-episode mini-series released in 1979, directed by Tobe Hooper and starring David Soul and James Mason. Reviews were largely positive, with critics praising the film’s atmosphere, cinematography, Hooper’s direction, and scares. As of today, ‘Salem’s Lot the mini-series still holds an approval rating of 89% on review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes. I tell you this, because in my humble opinion, like many of King’s books, the translation to screen missed the mark back in 1979.

Now, forty plus years later, we’re getting a theater remake, and given what was done to the remakes of Pet Semetary and IT, my personal expectations are pretty low. Which brings me to why I chose to reread ‘Salem’s Lot after revisiting Dracula for the hundredth time.

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Ellsworth’s Cinema of Swords: Laugh, Samurai, Laugh

Ellsworth’s Cinema of Swords: Laugh, Samurai, Laugh

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Warring Clans (Japan, 1963)

In the Fifties and Sixties, samurai adventures occupied roughly the same entertainment niche in Japan as Westerns in the USA. Just as there were comedy Westerns, there were funny chambara films — though based on the movies that actually made it to Europe and the States, you might not know it, as the samurai films that got overseas distribution were mostly as serious as a hanging. However, tragedy tomorrow, comedy tonight: this week we’re taking a look at three of the best humorous chambara films. They tend more toward sly parody than slapstick, so don’t expect Mel Brooks. But count on it: they still feature plenty of swordplay.

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Ellsworth’s Cinema of Swords: More o’ Zorro

Ellsworth’s Cinema of Swords: More o’ Zorro

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Zorro, like the Batman, who borrowed more than a little from the adventures of the masked hero, is a perennial; Hollywood always has another reboot percolating in pre-production somewhere, and occasionally one of these makes it to the screen and the black-clad outlaw rides again. Disney’s Zorro was the definitive version from the late Fifties until the Seventies, when alternative takes on the evergreen character began to appear once more. The legend of Zorro is sturdy, iconic, and can stand a lot of revision and still work quite well. This week let’s look at Guy Williams’ version for Disney, and then a couple of variations on the theme once the character began to emerge from Williams’ long shadow.

(Reminder: Zorro’s first appearance, by the hero’s creator, Johnston McCulley, is included in Your Editor’s Big Book of Swashbuckling Adventure anthology.)

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