There are so many questions around inclusivity lately that I’ve opened up my very own inbox to questions from the community on how to deal with females. The initial response was so big that Black Gate has allowed me to have my letters run for an entire week! I’m very excited and look forward to providing advice in these rather difficult times, to both warlords and young ladies.

Always properly yours,

Prudentia

DEAR PRUDENTIA,

New political allegiances with lesser beings lead me to necessitate including more She-Babes in my conquest, regardless of the fact that I have a full harem AND my serving staff is composed entirely of She-Babes. Plus, I always replenish staff by adding more She-Babes from conquered nations, and I’m quick with my blade when I behead the Non-Babe-She-Babes. Despite all of this, I’m informed that I’m not up to “code.” Should I simply murder all the heathens?

Signed,

Incensed in Bloodbath

DEAR INCENSED:

I know, I know, the demands for inclusivity are tiring nowadays. But these are important, if wearying, discussions. One would not want the unwashed masses to rebel and cause even more wearisome troubles. A good way to include a woma…, um, “She-Babe” in your immediate and therefore most noticeable horizons is by keeping one near you at all times. I know, this sounds ridiculous and undoable, but here are some reasons listed by other fine Barbarians Warriors such as yourself:

1 – You Need Someone to Look At

At the end of the day, when the dreary pain of the battle tumbles down upon your weary yet heroic soul, you need something pretty to look at. Cleaning blood from your weapons can be tiresome unless there’s a She-Babe (preferably a half-naked one) to look at.

2 – You Need Someone to Clean Stuff

Better yet, you could have someone to stare at while* they* worry about cleaning your weapons. You, after all, have mastered multiple weapons, strategies and abs-showcasing stances. You have no time to waste on clean up duty.

3 – Your Harsh Nature Needs to be Softened

Do you recall how original movie Conan couldn’t really love or show emotion? He was so busy being a badass that he needed a tiny ethnic dude* to weep for him, and a woman to love (and die) for him? That’s because Conan had more important things to worry about than feels. As do you, my dear Incensed

4 – Someone Needs to Be Rescued

When questing times are slow, and even though none of us like to admit it, they sometimes are, it’s good to have someone near you who can get kidnapped and motivate you to slaughter something.

5 – Someone Needs to Be Beheaded

I mean, not necessarily beheaded. Magically exploded, cut into a thousand tiny pieces or poisoned works too, as long as it ends up in death. It’s a double-purpose campaign – you get to look heroic and be humanized (which people sometimes forget about with all the slaughter), and you also get to have a reason to slaughter some more! It’s the circle of barbarian love, forging a great argument for finding a new love as soon as possible.

6 – You Need to Inspire the Next Generation of Chainmail Bikini-clad Women

Although I don’t disagree that a young woman’s place is not on the battlefield, I do understand that heroes such as you need to secure their next (hotter, younger) leading lady. And young girls do need to see that they can be more than a hardworking bar wench. They need to know that they too can don a chainmail bikini.

7 – You Need to Put Your Acquired Gains Somewhere

Lacking a proper display case for all your pillaged jewelry, you might as well adorn it on your lovely leading lady(ies).

8 – The World Cannot be Robbed of Your Genes

This site is PG and so I’ve stayed away from some other reasons, but they lead to the world having the pleasure of your progeny (males) to lead them to glory and/or avenge your untimely yet extremely heroic death.

9 – Bards Like Love Songs

As your reputation spreads throughout the land, as your name becomes common household knowledge, spoken with admiration, so will the bards begin to sing of your glory. And bards love a love song, which usually come with good tips. That means they’ll sing about you even more.

Think of the bards. Think of the people.

See Incensed, through simple adjustments, not only can you make this work, you can make it work to you advantage. Until this worrisome trend of inclusivity reverses, it’s something we all learn to live with, no matter how distressing.

Until next time, conquer on,

Prudentia

* I personally feel there could be a great list of keeping someone of color on your party, too, but my anatomy and skin color only makes me an expert in one field, I fear.

Need more advice? See all of Prudentia’s recent columns:

Why Should I Include a She-Babe?
How Do I Find Motivation as a Female?
How Do I Learn to Quest?
Please Help Me with Questing Etiquette
Red Sonja is Cooler Than You

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Marie Bilodeau is an award-winning science-fiction and fantasy author, as well as a professional performing storyteller. She enjoys writing satire, which this is, by the way. (Just making sure that was clear.) Check out her writings and find out what the heck a storyteller is at www.mariebilodeau.com.