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Dear Prudentia: Why Should I Include a She-Babe?

Monday, June 22nd, 2015 | Posted by mariebilodeau

Dear PrudentiaThere are so many questions around inclusivity lately that I’ve opened up my very own inbox to questions from the community on how to deal with females. The initial response was so big that Black Gate has allowed me to have my letters run for an entire week! I’m very excited and look forward to providing advice in these rather difficult times, to both warlords and young ladies.

Always properly yours,

Prudentia

DEAR PRUDENTIA,

New political allegiances with lesser beings lead me to necessitate including more She-Babes in my conquest, regardless of the fact that I have a full harem AND my serving staff is composed entirely of She-Babes. Plus, I always replenish staff by adding more She-Babes from conquered nations, and I’m quick with my blade when I behead the Non-Babe-She-Babes. Despite all of this, I’m informed that I’m not up to “code.” Should I simply murder all the heathens?

Signed,

Incensed in Bloodbath

Dear Prudentia Why a She-Babe-smallDEAR INCENSED:

I know, I know, the demands for inclusivity are tiring nowadays. But these are important, if wearying, discussions. One would not want the unwashed masses to rebel and cause even more wearisome troubles. A good way to include a woma…, um, “She-Babe” in your immediate and therefore most noticeable horizons is by keeping one near you at all times. I know, this sounds ridiculous and undoable, but here are some reasons listed by other fine Barbarians Warriors such as yourself:

1 – You Need Someone to Look At

At the end of the day, when the dreary pain of the battle tumbles down upon your weary yet heroic soul, you need something pretty to look at. Cleaning blood from your weapons can be tiresome unless there’s a She-Babe (preferably a half-naked one) to look at.

2 – You Need Someone to Clean Stuff

Better yet, you could have someone to stare at while* they* worry about cleaning your weapons. You, after all, have mastered multiple weapons, strategies and abs-showcasing stances. You have no time to waste on clean up duty.

3 – Your Harsh Nature Needs to be Softened

Do you recall how original movie Conan couldn’t really love or show emotion? He was so busy being a badass that he needed a tiny ethnic dude* to weep for him, and a woman to love (and die) for him? That’s because Conan had more important things to worry about than feels. As do you, my dear Incensed

Damsel-in-distress-small4 – Someone Needs to Be Rescued

When questing times are slow, and even though none of us like to admit it, they sometimes are, it’s good to have someone near you who can get kidnapped and motivate you to slaughter something.

5 – Someone Needs to Be Beheaded

I mean, not necessarily beheaded. Magically exploded, cut into a thousand tiny pieces or poisoned works too, as long as it ends up in death. It’s a double-purpose campaign – you get to look heroic and be humanized (which people sometimes forget about with all the slaughter), and you also get to have a reason to slaughter some more! It’s the circle of barbarian love, forging a great argument for finding a new love as soon as possible.

6 – You Need to Inspire the Next Generation of Chainmail Bikini-clad Women

Although I don’t disagree that a young woman’s place is not on the battlefield, I do understand that heroes such as you need to secure their next (hotter, younger) leading lady. And young girls do need to see that they can be more than a hardworking bar wench. They need to know that they too can don a chainmail bikini.

The Happy Bard-small7 – You Need to Put Your Acquired Gains Somewhere

Lacking a proper display case for all your pillaged jewelry, you might as well adorn it on your lovely leading lady(ies).

8 – The World Cannot be Robbed of Your Genes

This site is PG and so I’ve stayed away from some other reasons, but they lead to the world having the pleasure of your progeny (males) to lead them to glory and/or avenge your untimely yet extremely heroic death.

9 – Bards Like Love Songs

As your reputation spreads throughout the land, as your name becomes common household knowledge, spoken with admiration, so will the bards begin to sing of your glory. And bards love a love song, which usually come with good tips. That means they’ll sing about you even more.

Think of the bards. Think of the people.

See Incensed, through simple adjustments, not only can you make this work, you can make it work to you advantage. Until this worrisome trend of inclusivity reverses, it’s something we all learn to live with, no matter how distressing.

Until next time, conquer on,

Prudentia

* I personally feel there could be a great list of keeping someone of color on your party, too, but my anatomy and skin color only makes me an expert in one field, I fear.

Need more advice? See all of Prudentia’s recent columns:

Why Should I Include a She-Babe?
How Do I Find Motivation as a Female?
How Do I Learn to Quest?
Please Help Me with Questing Etiquette
Red Sonja is Cooler Than You


Marie Bilodeau is an award-winning science-fiction and fantasy author, as well as a professional performing storyteller. She enjoys writing satire, which this is, by the way. (Just making sure that was clear.) Check out her writings and find out what the heck a storyteller is at www.mariebilodeau.com.

7 Comments »

  1. Chainmail-bikini-clad warrior babe companions have at least two more documented functions:

    1) When they kick your enemy’s sidekick’s butt (leaving your principal enemy for you, of course), you then get to mock the opposition for getting beaten by a girl.

    2) When one of your enemies has prophecy-insurance and can’t be defeated by any man, it can be handy to have a woman around. Don’t worry, there will be plenty of other boss fights left for you.

    Comment by Sarah Avery - June 22, 2015 10:31 pm

  2. You, my friend, are truly wise. As always.

    Comment by mariebilodeau - June 23, 2015 7:09 am

  3. Even better if she is not of woman born but from the womb untimely ripped. Cover all your prophecy bases.

    Comment by bakergeek - June 23, 2015 8:46 am

  4. Dear Prudentia,

    One of my non-babe-she-babes wants to become a warrior (she is a healer). I have explained to her this is impossible, as she is big-boned and on the plain side (my warriors must all be she-babes and our chainmail bikinis are all a size 6-8) but she isn’t prepared to listen to reason. Leaving aside her suitability, I think she may be a troublesome recruit – she has already voiced concerns about the chainmail bikinis (which are mandatory) on health-and-safety grounds. How can I dissuade her without hurting her feelings?

    Ageless Falcon,
    Lord of the Red Desert and the Lands Beyond.

    Comment by Aonghus Fallon - June 23, 2015 9:10 am

  5. @ Sarah and Aonghus—seriously, prophecy insurance had me howling with laughter.

    @Ageless Falcon— I have a message from The Sea Wolf Pirate Captain—Check yourself man or turn in your Alpha Male Warlord card! Need I remind you that Marilyn Monroe was no where near a size 6-8 and she would look good bouncing on any warlord’s knee? Reason with a minion? Never! Such weak talk is causing my pirate crew to look towards your Red Desert lands with hunger. Drink several flagons of wine and soon all her plain looks will look much better my brother. Think in terms of Ghengis Khan when you and I sampled his harem. There were indeed big boned among them. Who cared at the end of the sacking of Samarkand?

    Dear Prudentia,

    I have found many she-babes on my warships have been a problem. Not so much from the she-babes that suffer from sea sickness or who can’t stand up to the rigors of work on a ship. It is the competent ones that are a concern. My ship has slowed by three knots in average speed when I assigned them as oarsmen. When I could no longer go water skiing in the galley I had to fire the lot. This caused a mutiny that I had to quell savagely. Those she-babes that are suitable have a tendency to inspire mutinous thoughts in my hot blooded male crewmen as I’ve had my captaincy challenged several times. There is even talk that the she-babe I have as first mate did not get the job by merit but by non sea skills. I can’t win no matter what I do. Are she-babes at sea a bad idea? Are they too much a distraction?

    Black Heart Bob
    Admiral of the Black Flag

    Comment by Wild Ape - June 23, 2015 12:36 pm

  6. Dear Ageless,

    Having a healer is a very important part of any blood bath and conquest. I certainly encourage you to always have one, even though it must be a she-babe (for the time being). This is not necessarily a bad thing, mind you. Your warriors may benefit from a gentler touch, and healing hands don’t get as callused as sword hands, making the whole matter much more proper for a woma.. um, she-babe.

    May I propose the simple practical solution that, should your conquests take you to a desert realm soon, your she-babe healer will sweat her way straight into your tiniest chain mail bikini. In the meantime, you may find her to be of particular comfort during your travels, as warlords rarely travel with pillows.

    Sincerely,

    Prudentia

    Comment by mariebilodeau - June 23, 2015 1:30 pm

  7. Dear Black Heart,

    I can tell that you are a gentle but decisive spirit. And I believe that you already know the answer to your question. She-babes at sea are indeed too much of a distraction. I suggest you sell them off (or gift them – good for alliances!). Then make port more frequently and spare yourself distractions at sea. Your men will thank you and you will help several seaside communities flourish with your extra business.

    A kind heart is a difficult thing to possess in your situation, and perhaps is best kept for when you return to your home/harem.

    With much respect,

    Prudentia

    Comment by mariebilodeau - June 23, 2015 1:34 pm


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