I have unfortunately suffered from a motivational affliction (as you so expertly listed on your recent post). I now find myself needing to bear sword and head off in pursuit of revenge. I’m lucky enough to find myself traveling with a group of experienced warriors, but fear an accidental faux-pas or wearing out their kind welcome. Please help me with some questing etiquette tips.
I’m very sorry to hear that you’ve found yourself on the receiving end of some traditional motivation. But I’m very glad to hear of your willingness to make the best of it and, even more excitingly, that you find yourself in the presence of men who can help you accomplish your task! I’m glad you’ve come to me for advice. As you know, I’m quite fond of etiquette, and although I sometimes question young ladies’ initiatives, I also try to lend a hand where I can.
1 – Show Your Curves
This is something only you as a woman can offer your fellow adventurers. Give them something pretty to look at, to refresh their combat-drenched souls.
It’s important to remember that beauty cannot be overvalued. No one wants to see you scarred or dirty, so make sure to always maintain a high level of beauty. It’s a tough job, but remember, it’s the polite thing to do.
3 – Don’t Be a Temptress
Show just enough skin and beauty, but don’t do so in a tempting manner. It’s impolite to distract them from potential death because you’re craving their heroic attention. Even bashful modestly is possible in a chain mail bikini.
4 – Someone Has to Feed the Team
The men may bring the food back to the campfire, but you should really do your best to clean it and prepare it for them. They, unlike you, were not brought up to undertake such tedious tasks. Show them you care and appreciate them by preparing perfectly cooked and seasoned fish every evening (and then be sure to bathe once more so that you don’t smell of said fish).
5 – Don’t Underestimate the Value of a Tight Stitch
The heroes’ fluttering capes will begin to wear down and someone must mend them. You can keep them all looking as heroic as the day they left their disaster-stricken villages.
6 – Don’t Be Too Hard to Capture
Heroes sometimes need motivation. A captured maiden is perfect, so don’t make yourself so skilled that you can’t be captured and tied to a cliff once in a while. After all, no one likes a woman who’s so proud that she can’t let herself be caught in the name of male motivation.
7 – Don’t Show Off
Regardless of whether you may be intellectually superior, or more combat-skilled, nobody likes a show off. If your opinion is needed, give it gently and do give credit where credit is due. Did a brother or your father teach you what you know? In the unlikely event that that’s a “no,” then they probably inspired it in some way, or the hero himself did. Qualify your statement appropriately. Modesty, above all else (except for a hot body), attracts the wandering male’s interest.
8 – Let Them Get the Final Blow
Between you and me, male egos are fragile, and that’s why you must endeavour to let them have the final blow, regardless of whether this is your quest for vengeance. Again, it’s not polite to outdo the rest of your questing party in the name of justice and self-satisfaction.
Best of luck, dear Unhappy. May your motivation lead you to find some peace, hopefully in the arms of a strong, heroic warrior.
Yours in spirit,
Need more advice? See all of Prudentia’s recent columns:
Marie Bilodeau was an award-winning science-fiction and fantasy author, as well as a professional performing storyteller. Now she’s been possessed by the spirit of Prudentia, and she’s no longer even thinking this is satire. She thinks it’s great and polite advice. You can still see who Marie used to be at her archived site www.mariebilodeau.com.