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Prehistrionics, Part I

Prehistrionics, Part I

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Hatched (Uncorked, 2021)

We’re off on another adventure filled to the brim with disappointment. 20 films I’ve never seen before, all free to stream, all dinosaur-based.

Oh God.

Hatched (2021) Prime

Just how bad is the CG? Almost okay except when interacting with lunch.

Sexy scientist? Yep.

Mumbo jumbo? Cloning, reanimation, gene foolery.

There are a couple of production company names that, if they pop up at the beginning, let me know what to expect. Uncorked is one of them. Imagine my surprise then, when this film turned out to be competently shot and, for the most part, decently acted.

Filmed on one stately location in the UK, it’s basically a hide and seek story with CG dinosaurs. Despite the (you would imagine) adrenaline-laced plot, it’s all very pedestrian, nobody seems overly concerned, and I counted four, count ‘em, four very slow head turns in reaction to growling, just before snacking.

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T.H. White’s Legacy on Contemporary Television

T.H. White’s Legacy on Contemporary Television

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Ted Lasso (Warner Bros. Television/Apple TV+, 2020-2023)

I recently re-watched Ted Lasso, and as I took in the final episode, I was reminded quite forcibly of The Queen’s Gambit. The question was, why? I quickly cued up The Queen’s Gambit, and sure enough, my memory held true: both shows employ what I like to call — what I am going to call, starting here, with this essay –– the T.H. White Stratagem.

If I may explain. The T.H. White Stratagem (a clear misnomer, since to my knowledge he deployed it only once) stems from the climax of The Sword in the Stone, book one of The Once and Future King. If you haven’t read this wonderful masterwork, please skip the remainder of this essay, and come back later. For those that have read TOFK, recall that in London, at the great tournament, (Sir) Kay dispatches the Wart to run back and get his sword, which Kay has foolishly left back at the hostel.

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The Best of Bob: 2024

The Best of Bob: 2024

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Happy 2025! Let’s kick butt for another year. Or at least, limp to the finish 52 weeks. from now. I take what I can get. I started a Best of Bob feature last year. And while it may seem I’m constantly finding folks to write my column for me (hey – it’s a gift!), some of you Black Gaters may be surprised that I occasionally actually write my own essays for the Monday morning slot. John O’Neill is too savvy an editor for me to completely fool him for over decade.

So here are what I thought were ten of my better efforts in 2024. Hopefully you saw them back when I first posted them. But if not, maybe you’ll check out a few now. Ranking them seemed a bit egotistical, so they’re in chronological order. Let’s go!

1) Roaming the Old West, with Holmes on the Range (February 5, 2024)

It might look like I just throw something together every week (and looks aren’t always deceptive). But when I can find the time, I love putting together something special. And after reading/re-reading the entire series, I really nailed a three-part series on Steve Hockensmith’s Sherlock Holmes influenced, Old West mysteries about cowboy brothers Old Red and Big Red.

I followed up a pretty solid series overview, with the first-ever comprehensive chronology! And then, we rounded it out with a great Q&A from Steve himself. This is a terrific series: a great read, and solid on audiobook. Late in the year, the first two novels in a spin-off series that’s more Old West adventure than Holmes-flavored, came out. I’m looking forward to more of all aspects of the Double-A Western Detective Agency.

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Jumping the Shark, Part III

Jumping the Shark, Part III

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Sharknado 6: It’s About Time (The Asylum/Syfy Films, 2018), and Great White (Piccadilly Pictures, 2021)

So, here we go. A new watch-a-thon, this one based on a handful of the 500+ shark movies that I haven’t seen (or gave up on). I’m not holding out much hope for these — shark movies are, on the whole, awful, but I know for a fact that some of these are among the worst films ever made. This 20-film marathon is me just trying to understand why they get made, bought and streamed.

Sharknado 6: It’s About Time (2019) Prime

What kind of shark? Lots of CG sharks and some ropey dinosaurs.

How deep is the plot? 10 meters.

Anyone famous get eaten? Only beans. Hasbeans.

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Ten Things I Think I Think: December 2024

Ten Things I Think I Think: December 2024

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Time for a Ten Things I Think I Think as we close in on Christmas. Those two things are unrelated, though…

So, I think that:

1) The Two Towers is Still My All Time Favorite Fantasy Movie

As you’ll be reading, I’m in a Lord of the Rings deep dive. I re-watched the trilogy (Extended Edition, of course) for the first time in quite a few years. I grew up with fantasy movies like Krull, Sword and the Sorcerer, Sheena, and the Beastmaster. Don’t even get me started on Ator!!!! Some were better than others. I liked Clash of the Titans, but Dragonslayer didn’t really do much for me. I have a friend who sees it the opposite. Ah-nuld’s two Conan films moved the bar on popularity and look for big screen fantasy.

But Peter Jackson did for fantasy what Star Wars did for sci-fi. Critics of the movies can move along. I have a serious Tolkien shelf, and I love what he created with Middle Earth. But I will take watching the movies over reading the trilogy, any day (and that’s from someone who is reading a 800 page book of nothing but LotR annotations right now). The pace alone is a significant improvement.

Anyways – that second film, with Helm’s Deep, and the other action scenes, is simply spellbinding. Seeing a Nazgul flying onscreen always takes my breath away. I like the first and third films, but this second one remains the best fantasy movie I have ever seen.

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Jumping the Shark, Part II

Jumping the Shark, Part II

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House Shark (SRS Cinema, 2017)

So, here we go. A new watch-a-thon, this one based on a handful of the 500+ shark movies that I haven’t seen (or gave up on). I’m not holding out much hope for these – shark movies are, on the whole, awful, but I know for a fact that some of these are among the worst films ever made. This 20-film marathon is me just trying to understand why they get made, bought and streamed.

House Shark (2017) YouTube

What kind of shark? A huge, rubber puppet. With three eyes.

How deep is the plot? One span.

Anyone famous get eaten? Nope.

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Jumping the Shark, Part I

Jumping the Shark, Part I

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So, here we go. A new watch-a-thon, this one based on a handful of the 500+ shark movies that I haven’t seen (or gave up on). I’m not holding out much hope for these — shark movies are, on the whole, awful, but I know for a fact that some of these are among the worst films ever made. This 20-film marathon is me just trying to understand why they get made, bought and streamed.

Apex Predators (2021) Prime

What kind of shark? Stock footage and a rubber dorsal fin.

How deep is the plot? There is no plot.

Anyone famous get eaten? No

Let me preface this by saying I have a lot of respect for anyone who tries to make a feature film (having tried myself), however, I have not one ounce of respect for Dustin Ferguson, who wrote, directed and edited this utter shit show.

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Taking in the Trash: Paul Cantor’s Pop Culture Trilogy

Taking in the Trash: Paul Cantor’s Pop Culture Trilogy

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Gilligan Unbound: Pop Culture in the Age of Globalization (Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, November 28, 2001)

Having just finished a very lively and thought-provoking book, I did something I almost never do — I decided to write the author a fan letter. Naturally, I hopped on Google to get his contact information, only to discover that he died almost three years ago, in February of 2022. Why do these things always happen to me?

The book I just finished, Pop Culture and the Dark Side of the American Dream: Con Men, Gangsters, Drug Lords, and Zombies was published in 2019, and is the third book in a loose cultural criticism trilogy written by Paul A. Cantor, a well-known Shakespearian scholar (Shakespeare and Rome: Republic and Empire) who was for many years a professor of English at the University of Virginia. The other volumes in the “trilogy” are Gilligan Unbound: Pop Culture in the Age of Globalization (2001) and The Invisible Hand in Popular Culture: Liberty vs. Authority in American Film and TV (2012).

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Maybe I Am Romantic

Maybe I Am Romantic

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I love them.

Good afterevenmorn (whenever you happen to be reading this), Readers!

I’m still on a Chinese costume drama kick. It has been my crutch when dealing with the terribleness of the world of late. I don’t know why, but there we have it. Everyone who knows me is sick to death of me proclaiming my love for The Untamed, which remains the golden standard for serialised Chinese costume dramas for me. Since then, and since I last mentioned it here, I’ve watched a number of them (when I tell you I’ve spent the majority of my time rotting on the couch watching unfairly beautiful people swan about in obscenely beautiful clothing, I mean it). Some were silly. Most of them were entertaining. One in particular I have added to my ‘would really like to own on DVD/BluRay’ list. It has a dumb as hell title (Wonderland of Love. Had I not seen a short of one of the battle scenes in the series on YouTube, I would not have watched it at all based on that title), but was a great story. I did a review of it on my personal blog.
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Alien Overlords, Part III

Alien Overlords, Part III

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Cosmic Sin (Saban Films, 2021), Empire of the Apes (Polonia Brothers
Entertainment, 2013), and Dune Drifter (4Digital Media, 2020)

This is Part III of a new, 20-film marathon. The rules:

Must include aliens
Cannot take place on Earth
I haven’t seen it before
Free to stream

Cosmic Sin (2021) Netflix

Aliens? Alien… zombies…? Not sure.

CGI heavy? Plenty, with varying degrees of success.

Any good? A bit of a disappointment, really. I loved Bruce Willis once upon a time. Loved him I tells you. So it’s doubly sad to see him limp through the last decade or so, phoning in performances and generally not having a good time.

This film is no exception, but Bruce is the least of its problems — there’s the germ of a great idea about genocide and first contact, but the film doesn’t deliver, instead falling back on Frank Grillo scowling his way through some firefights.

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