Eight Barbarian Body Building (3B) Tips
It’s beach season! In the frozen north where I live, we’re currently shedding our polar bear and Sasquatch skins to show off our tummies once again! Except, after six months of trudging through snowdrifts and blizzards, our thighs may be tree trunks of victory, but our abs have lost that chainmail bikini flattering glory.
Fear not, there is hope. Here are some tips for fighting off that winter bulge!
Chase Down a Pack of Wild Wolves
Nothing will get you sweating faster than chasing down wild canines, especially when they turn on you and you have to fight them off with nothing but your wit and might. Make sure to pack your wit or, failing that, lots of sharp steeled might.
Conquer Twelve Random Tasks
Be godly and go clean a really dirty stable. Upside is that you’ll probably get gifts from the patron, unless you A) suck at it or B) clean the stable of a poo collector. Remember, an informed hero is a welcomed hero.
Find Your Days of Glory Past
This is pretty easy. Reconquer old towns that once were yours, or take back the possession of your repossessed ill-acquired gains. Chances are that your enemies will have increased their defenses, so you’re up for some brand new challenges! Look at you encouraging people to improve, you hero, you!
Improve Your Own Defenses
Because you are awesome, you may have made some enemies. And others may be planning on working on their gardens and stealing your goats. So build up those fences! Dig a moat, cut some stakes, raise an army… and remember to suck in your stomach as you do so. That’s like doubling your exercising efforts right there.
Avenge Your Murdered Family
Usually you’d do this after remembering their plight while slave-pushing a wheel for most of your life, which I believe is fairly essential to the 3B™ tip. BUT, don’t let that stop you. Should having your murdered family not have led you into being enslaved (go, you!), then you’re probably anger-driven enough to burn off calories while just thinking about it.
Hear the Lamentation of the Women
I’m not a huge fan of this, since most women I know would kick ass and then celebrate by drinking shots out of the skull of their enemies (Girls Night!), but since Conan sang about it and he’s mightily buff, I’ll include it. But only because he sang about it.
Chase Down and Smite An Army of Evil Snakes While Mightily Brandishing Your Sword of Might Until They
Are Well Smote
… I don’t really need to elaborate here, do I?
Eat Only Sacred Meat Of Your Enemies
Thrust your mighty sword into their tender flesh and enjoy their final moans. Remember the Atkins way. Eat only protein and you’ll lose weight! Sure you’ll get scurvy and your teeth will look like crap, but the rest of you you will look absolutely fabulous doing so!
Some people may insist that hitting the gym is the only way to secure 3B fine muscles. They’re wrong. Working out can be fun, instructive AND productive. Don’t let your winter lazies talk you out of conquering your bulge OR a town! Go forth and 3B!
Marie Bilodeau is an award-winning science-fiction and fantasy author, as well as a professional performing storyteller. She once belonged to an army of snakes but hated how old it made her skin look, so she reformed. Check out her writings and find out what the heck a storyteller is at www.mariebilodeau.com.
Run down a pack of wild wolves–I remember the first Conan story had him running from a pack of wolves, not running them down. Conan couldn’t do it so he slipped into a cave and found a skeleton from lost Valusia. You might amend that first one a bit. I’m with you though Marie, you have to be a badass to run them down though.
Twelve random tasks—I admired Hercules and his manly work at the stables but can a hero do it with a high pressured water hose like a fireman? Honestly, on high pressure you had better hang on and that would be epic hero stuff too.
Find your days of glory past—yep, and it saves the hero time if they got a lot of loot while you were away. Saves time.
Improve your own defenses—I agree, nothing screams heroic like a castle that makes an orc horde think twice but the walls must be cyclopean at minimum.
Avenge your murdered family—sweet!
Hear the lamentations of the women—a must
Smite snakes etc—A barbarian must.
Eat only sacred meat of your enemies—you can get rid of the scurvy problem if you get the slave girls to feed you grapes.
You rock Marie!
Mmm, you’ve given me much to think on Wild Ape, thanks! I do believe that Conan might have been underachieving in that first book. Maybe he’d had a big meal? 😉
Thanks! You rock too! 😀
I’ve heard giant-tossing is great for the upper-body workout, and if you do it hammer-toss style, instead of cabor-toss style, it’s good for the waistline as well.
Violette, thank you for sharing your wisdom. I’ll definitely try it out!