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Introducing BlackGateDate.com: Examining the Dating Profiles of the Men of the Fantasy World

Saturday, January 17th, 2015 | Posted by Derek Kunsken

Science fiction writer Amy Sundberg recently wrote an excellent post about dating on her blog. This inspired me to think a little more about dating too. Dating is not something I have a lot of time to do, but I have been on a dating site or two and this set me wondering about how to approach dating from the angle of the fantasy genre. It isn’t pretty, but it’s perhaps more honest than what is shown on dating websites.

Username: ImTooSexyForTheMaiar,TooSexyForTheMaiar
Summary: I am the all-seeing eye and I have spread my shadow across the world and crushed the races of Middle Earth. I also make jewelry.
Body type: I am a burning eye. I looked really good when I was an angel. Now that I’ve conquered Middle Earth I’m getting back into shape. Work out partner?
I’d Fit Well With: I’m All-Dominating, in the bedroom and out. I fit well with someone into that.
Six Things I Could Never Do Without: The One Ring.
Deepest Secret: I sometimes I wonder what it would be like to submit to a lover or get a spanking. I’ve been a bad boy. Also, I haven’t told any of my friends, but I make kick-ass balloon animals.

 

Username: Type your username here
Summary: I hav a wand up my noze. Hahaha
Body Type: I hav a bum. Hahaha. I sed bum. My noze fits a wand. Prolly more.
I’d Fit Well With: The brij i liv under is two small i’d fit wel under a bigger brij.
Six Things I Could Never Do Without: my iFone. selfies 4evr!
Deepest Secret: I hav a bum. Hahaha. I sed bum.

 

 

Username: Darthlicious
Summary: I’m a widower in management and major infrastructure projects. My boss is a dick. I didn’t always have a good relationship with my children, but it’s getting better. I recently gave my son a hand.
Body Type: I identify as disabled, but I’ve turned my asthma into a source of fear.
Deepest Secret: OK. Couple of weird turn-ons: (1) Ugnaut underwear underneath my work clothes and (2) I like to force-choke myself sometimes.
You Should Write To Me If: You want to rule the galaxy together. You will join me or die. The Emperor has foreseen this.

 

2011-05-27-legolas
Username: SilkyPanteneHair
Summary: I love moonlight and star-filled skies and walking with you beneath boughs of forest leaves.
Body Type: Sculped perfection. Unblemished. I have better hair than you.
Six Things I Could Never Do Without: Lembas. Mead. Moonlight. My mithril iPhone case. Pantene’s new Aloe-cream conditioner. Gimli – buds forever! I’ll never forget Moria, buddy! Woooo! He’s got a profile here too. Check him out! His username is MyWhatALong…BeardYouHave.
Deepest Secret: I don’t really sleep, but I’d love to stare at you while you sleep.
 


Username: HeavyMetalHoney
Summary: Beep. Beep. Wooo-oop.
Body Type: R-astromech.
Deepest Secret: Beep, beep-beep, beep, wooo-oop, chirp, beep! Beep, wooo-oop! ….110011011001101 😉
You Should Write to Me If: Beep, boop-oop, beep, eeet.

 


Derek Künsken writes science fiction and fantasy in Gatineau, Canada. He sometimes says funny things at @derekkunsken. His story “Dog’s Paw” was selected for The Year’s Best Horror, Volume 6. You can listen to it for free at Pseudopod.

3 Comments »

  1. This is too hilarious. I’m tempted to start giving you suggestions for upcoming posts on this subject. Elric? I suppose Conan’s too easy. Hmmm.

    Comment by Violette Malan - January 18, 2015 6:24 am

  2. I had the Conan discussion with someone else. I never read any Conan. Arnold as actor looked too dumb – I couldn’t look at anything associated with him. Also never watched Terminators. Elric, I know, but I’m not sure where he’d fit in this lot – lol

    d

    Comment by Derek Kunsken - January 18, 2015 9:31 pm

  3. Will the site have a whole brooding/whining section? Not that I’m into that, just … curious, ya know. I mean, I’m not interested, but I wouldn’t mind looking up profiles for Elric, Tempus Thales, Drizzt, etc.

    Comment by Ty Johnston - January 20, 2015 12:13 am


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