A veritable cornucopia of dodgy barbarian and barbarian-adjacent movies that I have never watched before, and will probably never watch again. Enjoy Parts One and Two here and here.

A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell (1990) – USA

I can’t help thinking that this one must have disappointed many a randy teenager when they smuggled it out of the video store, only to learn that ‘nymphoid’ doesn’t mean the same as ‘nymphomaniac,’ and were instead subjected to a good hour of aimless wandering before even a glimpse of prehistoric knockers was on the cards.

This is another quick buck-maker from the Troma crew, who surely saw a return on their meagre investment thanks to the aforementioned teen suckers, but it really doesn’t feel like a Troma flick. There’s no sign of the inventive weirdness or inappropriate humour to be found in the usual Kaufman joint; it’s all replaced by a dull story in which the last woman on Earth after the apocalypse, (Linda Corwin) has to contend with wandering gangs of bestial chads, while trying to avoid larger critters in the form of daft-looking dinosaurs.

No real goal, just a bit of rambling. It doesn’t help that Corwin has a permanent expression on her face like every single living creature she encounters is farting in her direction. Having said all that, apart from a hilarious toothed sausage type thing (called a Tromasaurus), there are some very fun stop-motion monster moments, flung together by director Brett Piper in a matter of days, that hold up very well and almost redeem the rest of the snoozefest.

I said ‘almost.’

4/10

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (1985) – USA/Argentina

Here’s one that always caught my eye, but I never got around to watching, and I had mistakenly thought it was a fantasy film of the same caliber of semi-respectable S&S flicks such as Krull (1983), or Dragonslayer (1981). Oh, gentle reader, it is not.

It’s actually part of the multi-picture deal that Roger Corman struck with the Argentinian studios (that kicked off with the afore-critiqued Deathstalker), albeit given a few dollars more for production design and laser effects. The tale concerns a sorcerer’s apprentice, Simon (Vidal Peterson) who must locate his magic macguffin and save the teenage princess he plans to marry. The obstacle in his way is the evil wizard Shurka (Thom Matthews, the budgie-headed guy from Buck Rogers) who wants the frankly underage princess to himself, plus to commit other assorted naughtiness.

Simon is aided on his quest by a rogue warrior, Kor the Conqueror (Bo Svenson, having fun) and a ridiculous Chewbacca stand-in, Galfax, who looks like a tightly-permed yeti with the head of a bichon frise, and who does bugger all. Much derring-do ensues.

The humour is pushed to the forefront during the jam-packed adventure, and I doff my cap to the filmmakers who chose to throw everything into this one, no matter if it makes sense. It’s ultimately as daft as a kettle of chipmunks, but I didn’t hate it.

6/10

Ilya Muromets (1956) – Russia

From the stable of epic fantasy director Alexandr Ptushko comes this retelling of a classic bit of Russian folklore. Ilya Muromets (Boris Andreyev) is a gentle giant of man, seemingly unable to walk until an ancient sword is presented to him by a band of wandering pilgrims, and he takes up arms against the invading Tugars who are rampaging through the lands of Mother Russia, led by the fearsome Tsar Kalin (Shukur Burkhanov). These Tugars are a little like the Tartars, but different, thus thwarting my plans to make a Tartar source joke.

It is up to Ilya to unite the lands, work with Prince Vladimir of Kiev (Andrey Abrikosov), and defeat various magical creatures along the way. It all culminates in a showdown including his own son (who had been adopted by Kalin) and the three-headed grandpappy of King Ghidora.

As with many Russian films of this period, Ilya Muromets has a dreamy ‘magical realism’ feel to it, as if we are watching a stage play on a monumental scale. Actual landscapes are enhanced with beautiful paintings and fantastic model work (Ptushko started out as an animator and model maker), and glorious puppetry is employed throughout in the depictions of animals, birds, and even Ilya’s own mighty steed.

This version (on Tubi) is the original, not the hacked up version that Corman presented as The Sword and the Dragon, that ended up as the butt of a plethora of Finnish jokes by the MST3K crowd.

Recommended.

8/10

The Seven Magnificent Gladiators (1983) – USA/Italy

A community is terrorized by a nefarious leader of soldiers and cutthroats, and must recruit a small band of defenders to save their crops and their lives. Yes, this is a blatant rip-off of Battle Beyond the Stars (1980). Someone should do a samurai version.

Anyhoo, a wise old elder (as opposed to a wise young elder), reveals a hidden sword that will ‘choose’ a hero to wield it, and a gaggle of ladies takes off for the big city to find such a hunk. It eventually ends up in the hands of good-natured lunk Han (Lou Ferrigno, dubbed), a gladiatorial barbarian who is no fan of injustice. Han then recruits a bunch of other warriors, and the film then proceeds to follow the original(s) beat for beat. Half the fun is figuring out which warrior is meant to be James Coburn. I did realize that Julia (Sybil Danning), was the Brad Dexter one.

Anyhoo, swords are swung, villagers are trained, and some of the magnificent gladiators kick the bucket — all par for the course. It’s a bit laborious, but ultimately good for a laugh, and there’s no way any film with Sybil in it is getting less than 5 out of 10 from me.

5/10

Hawk the Slayer (1980) – UK

I concluded this watch-a-thon with an old British classic that I somehow managed to never get around to seeing, much to my shame. Hawk (John Terry — as stiff as a dead ferret) is the younger brother of Voltan (Jack Palance — having a blast), and the two of them have had a severe falling out over their rivalry for Eliane (Catriana McColl) — their squabble ending in the fair lady’s death and Voltan getting a crispy makeover.

Since then, Voltan has gone on to terrorize the land with dark magic and a bad attitude, while Hawk has lent himself out as a goodly fighter for hire. When Voltan kidnaps a nun (Annette Crosby!) Hawk decides it is time to put an end to his brother’s wicked ways once and for all, and recruits a group of tropes in order to rescue her.

This group includes Crow (Ray Charleson) an elf with the power to shoot arrows remarkably quickly through the power of editing, Baldin (Peter O’Farrell), a cheeky dwarf, and Gort (Bernard Bresslaw) a giant. Yes, in the space of three years, Bernard Bresslaw played a giant in a fantasy film (Krull), albeit this time with twice as many eyes. They are also joined by Ranulph (W. Morgan Sheppard), a crossbowman who has just lost one of his hands to Voltan.

Plenty of sorcery and shenanigans take place on the way to the inevitable showdown, some heroes die, others ride off into the sunset, and Jack Palance hangs up his Vader-inspired helmet vowing never to make another fantasy film (until the producers of Gor coax him back with a sack of gold).

Lots of fun, stuffed to the gills with beloved British character actors, and a bonkers synth score from Harry Robertson means I finish on a high note. Huzzah!

8/10

Previous Murky Movie surveys from Neil Baker include:

Fauxnan the Barbarian, Part One
Fauxnan the Barbarian, Part Two
Probing Questions
My Top Thirty Films
The Star Warses
Just When You Thought It Was Safe
Tech Tok
The Weyland-Yutaniverse
Foreign Bodies
Mummy Issues
Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
Monster Mayhem

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See all of Neil Baker’s Black Gate film reviews here. Neil spends his days watching dodgy movies, most of them terrible, in the hope that you might be inspired to watch them too. He is often asked why he doesn’t watch ‘proper’ films, and he honestly doesn’t have a good answer. He is an author, illustrator, teacher, and sculptor of turtle exhibits.