Pacific Rim (2013)

It goes without saying that I have to include Del Toro’s love-letter to kaiju flicks on this list, and this one, being the first in a patchy franchise, ticks all the boxes.

Giant, horrible monsters? Check.

Colossal, clunky robots (loosely speaking)? Check

Citywide destruction? Check.

Ron Perlman? Check and check.

Pacific Rim is a gloriously shot, triple B-movie (Big Budget B) that isn’t afraid to wear its hokiness on its sleeve while delivering gorgeous scenes of destruction, threaded through with genuine moments of pathos. GDT reins in his usual auteur-driven themes, although father-figures still play a role, as does machinery, albeit more high-tech than his previous clockwork obsession.

However, let’s face it, I’m not here for the underlying nuances; I want big bloody robots punching big bloody monsters, and this one delivers. Much like Garth Edwards did in Godzilla (2014), GDT keeps the camera low, pointing up at these behemoths as they whale upon each other, and the different settings, including terrain, time of day, and weather, keep each fight fresh and unique. The cast all do a bang-up job (the highlights being Perlman, Idris Elba, and Rinku Kikuchi), although I very quickly grew tired of Charlie Day and Burn Gorman’s comedy relief characters, and wish they hadn’t been used again in the sequel.

I watch this one when I need to see a large boat being put to good use, and Pacific Rim never disappoints.

8/10

The Golden Voyage of Sinbad (1973)

So many Harryhausen/Schneer films to choose from, and I could have so easily gone for Jason and the Argonauts (1963), Sinbad and The Eye of the Tiger (1977), or Clash of the Titans (1981), among others, but Golden Voyage has always been my favorite.

Several reasons lead me to this conclusion. John Phillip Law is my favorite Sinbad — good looking, and a decent actor to boot, Law assumes the role of the Iraqi sea captain with more cheeky dashing and derring-do than you could stuff in a hookah, plus, his best friend is Rachid, played by Martin Shaw, whom some of you might recall as Banquo in Polanski’s Macbeth (1971), but I knew as Doyle, one half of The Professionals (1977-1983), a very cool UK police show.

Then the villain is Dr. Who, and it’s the best one too! Tom Baker is all eyeballs and teeth as he grimaces his way through his scenes, and what’s not to love? Then there are the creatures; a little homunculus, a wooden figurehead, a cyclopean centaur, a griffin, and best of all, Kali herself, all arms and swords, metallically squeaking with lethal elegance. I was, and still am, entranced by Harryhausen’s animation of Kali. Some of his best work. Did I forget something, or someone? Heck no. Caroline Munro! Munro has been my eternal crush, and I was amused to recently learn that she appears in many of my ‘favorite’ movies. Favorite Bond? The Spy Who Loved Me (1976). Favorite Hammer? Captain Kronos (1974). Favorite comfort film? At the Earth’s Core (1976) (more on this one later). By thunder, she’s lovely. Anyhoo, back to the film.

Golden Voyage belts along lickety-split as our heroes tumble from one ghastly stop-motion encounter to the next, all in an effort to find The Fountain of Destiny and help out a disfigured vizier. The banter between the sailors is fun, the homunculus is rubbery, and Robert Shaw pops up as a horny oracle. Huge fun, and a film I put on when I’m feeling down. It always helps.

9/10

Eight Legged Freaks (2002)

For my money, there have only been a handful of fun monster movies that nailed the tone of the grandaddy, Tremors (see previous list). These include films like Lake Placid (1999), Deep Rising (1998), and this one.

The original title, Arach Attack was hurriedly scrapped following the events of 9/11 the previous year, so the producers went with one of David Arquette’s ad-libbed lines, and here we are. A loving homage to the B-movies of the 50s and 60s, Eight Legged Freaks places a gaggle of toxic sludge-infected spiders, grown super-sized and super-smart, into the tiny town of Prosperity, Arizona. The locals, including Arquette’s prodigal miner’s son, Chris, Sheriff Sam Parker (Kari Wuher) and a young Scarlett Johansson as Parker’s daughter, Ashley, soon find themselves having to fend off the beasties as their town is overrun.

There are some lovely set-pieces including jumping spiders taking on dirt-bikers, a desperate hold-out in a mall, and a delightfully chonky tarantula stomping its way over and through several vehicles, and it’s all handled with levity and a solid understanding of its DNA. The film is hilarious when it wants to be, and decidedly icky when your guard is down, plus there was a huge, new, franchise film released that same year, and one of my favorite moments is when Rick Overton as Sam’s deputy, Pete, says something along the lines of “It’s some kind of spider, man!”

Corn and cheese at its most delicious.

8/10

The Great Wall (2016)

I was a big fan of Zhang Yimou after Raise the Red Lantern (1991), and doubly so after House of Flying Daggers (2004), so I relished the possibility of him bringing his epic camera moves and sense of color to a full-on monster flick, and I wasn’t left wanting.

Now, I get that this might be the least popular film on my Monster Mayhem list; it wasn’t particularly well-received, and the (incredibly incorrect) accusations of white-washing, not to mention the ongoing backlash to perceived ‘white savior’ movies during a time of rampant online cancel-culture, certainly harmed its reputation before it reached theatre screens. However, a little bit of research will dispel both of these accusations very quickly, and what we are left with is a beautiful-looking smorgasbord of athletic Chinese warriors, ghastly alien creatures, and a pair of Europeans wildly out of their element while trying to steal the secret to gunpowder.

The interactions between Matt Damon and Pedro Pascal are fun in a Road to El Dorado fashion, and Willem Dafoe brings the usual intensity to a marginal, yet nutty, role. However, it is the commanding presence of Zhang Hanyu, Andy Lau, and especially Jing Tian as the leader of the Crane Troops that elevate this tale. It takes the protectors of the Great Wall a long time to begin to trust the European intruders, and even then they see them only as blunt instruments, rather than finessed practitioners of warfare.

There are so many wonderful set-pieces in this one; every monster attack and retaliation is choreographed to the nth degree, and even the daft third act is fun to watch, even though it descends into Michael Bay territory.

I dig this film, watched it several times, and am always happy to recommend it to the curious movie-watcher in need of a decent popcorn flick.

8/10

The Relic (1997)

Peter Hyams is one of those directors that has never been recognized as much as he should, and that maddens me. His filmography features so many of my genre favorites, Capricorn One (1977), Outland (1981), 2010: The Year We Make Contact (1984), and Timecop (1986), to name just a few. It could be that the disastrous production woes and final result of A Sound of Thunder (2005) are the reasons he has mostly been forgotten, but he made one of the best, little-seen monster flicks out there, and I urge you to track it down if you’ve never seen it.

Hidden inside this full-on monster romp is a cautionary tale about folks meddling in other cultures and other cultures’ ‘medicine,’ but we’re not here for the message — give us a big ol’ beastie! Once said beastie is on the loose in Chicago’s Museum of Natural History, it is up to Penelope Ann Miller’s Margo Green, an evolutionary biologist, to unravel the origin of the monster, and Tom Sizemore’s Vincent D’Agosta, a bullish detective, to try to put a stop to it.

Miller and Sizemore are great together, but it’s the creature that makes this film for me. Hyams wisely relegates it to the shadows, making its attacks creepy and disturbing, and when it is finally revealed in all its glory, it is a lovely bit of design. It puts me in mind of the creature from The Host (see Part II), with its malformations and tortured gait.

A simple set up, one location, B-movie aesthetics, and a fun cast make this a good time. Check it out.

8/10

Grabbers (2012)

Another one that might have flown under your radar, Grabbers is terrific fun, directed by Jon Wright who made Unwelcome (2023), an Irish goblin home invasion movie that I absolutely loved.

However, Grabbers is my favourite of his, simply for the premise. A small, Irish seaside town is attacked by giant tentacled beasties, and the locals discover that the only way to be immune to the suckers is to be drunk. I’ll avoid any Irish stereotype jokes, but this premise speaks for itself.

Great concept aside, this film has the added benefit of starring Richard Coyle, who was the best thing about the comedy series Coupling (2000-2004) and really should have been Dr. Who at some point. Coyle plays an alcoholic garda, Ciarán O’Shea, who is not overly keen on his new partner, Lisa Nolan (Ruth Bradley), a motivated go-getter. When it all goes to hell after some whale carcasses wash up, and fishermen start getting grabbed, it’s up to the dysfunctional pair to save the town.

This ultimately involves the locals holing up in the pub downing as much booze as they can, while the grabbers pick them off one by one if they are sober enough. The effects hold up really well, and the gore balances the humor perfectly. If you are a fan of Edgar Wright’s Cornetto Trilogy, or just Irish horror comedies in general (and why the hell wouldn’t you?), this one should not be missed.

8/10

At the Earth’s Core (1976)

We conclude this foray into my favorite monster movies with my most beloved comfort film. I’ve watched At the Earth’s Core more times than I care to recall, much to the bemusement of other, more sensible, genre-hounds. Can I explain its hold over me? Nope. Perhaps the hypnotic eyes of the Mahar really work, maybe I’m wallowing deep in the quicksand of nostalgia (I was 9 when I saw it at the Romford Odeon), or it could be the utter delight of watching Doug McClure pummel his way through a bevy of actors in rubber suits, all under a fuchsia sky.

Actually, it’s probably Caroline Munro’s sweaty cleavage.

Some (most) might argue that Kevin Conner’s first foray into McClure Machismo Movies, The Land That Time Forgot (1974) is the better film, and they are probably right. At the Earth’s Core was blasted by critics upon release, and is generally seen as a dopey, loud, mess of a very loose adaptation.

In fact, this film has very little to do with Edgar Rice Burroughs’ original novel, keeping only the bare bones of the idea intact and throwing in some enormous parrot and rhino kaijus, but I adore it. The whole thing plays out like a fever dream whenever I watch it; the music, the colors, the terrible screeching of the monsters, the failing puppets of hapless humans eaten by hooting behemoths, the worst Peter Cushing performance on record (seriously, I can’t stand his Abner Perry), and the sheer terror of the Mahar feeding rituals.

When I was quite young, I was listening to my dad’s copy of Pink Floyd’s Meddle on headphones, and drifted off during Echoes. The screeching on the album permeated my slumber and I dreamt of the Mahars, those telepathic flying reptiles, blinking and squawking, sitting on their rocky nests, and I woke up in a panic. A powerful memory, and probably part of the reason why this slice of celluloid cheese has such a grasp on me.

That, and Caroline Munro.

10/10

Previous Murky Movie surveys from Neil Baker include:

Monster Mayhem, Part I
Monster Mayhem, Part II
It’s All Rather Hit-or-Mythos
You Can’t Handle the Tooth
Tubi Dive
What Possessed You?
Fan of the Cave Bear
There, Wolves
What a Croc
Prehistrionics
Jumping the Shark
Alien Overlords
Biggus Footus
I Like Big Bugs and I Cannot Lie
The Weird, Weird West
Warrior Women Watch-a-thon

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Neil Baker’s last article for us was Part II of Monster Mayhem. Neil spends his days watching dodgy movies, most of them terrible, in the hope that you might be inspired to watch them too. He is often asked why he doesn’t watch ‘proper’ films, and he honestly doesn’t have a good answer. He is an author, illustrator, teacher, and sculptor of turtle exhibits. (AprilMoonBooks.com).