So, here we go. A new watch-a-thon, this one based on a handful of the 500+ shark movies that I haven’t seen (or gave up on). I’m not holding out much hope for these — shark movies are, on the whole, awful, but I know for a fact that some of these are among the worst films ever made. This 20-film marathon is me just trying to understand why they get made, bought and streamed.

Apex Predators (2021) Prime

What kind of shark? Stock footage and a rubber dorsal fin.

How deep is the plot? There is no plot.

Anyone famous get eaten? No

Let me preface this by saying I have a lot of respect for anyone who tries to make a feature film (having tried myself), however, I have not one ounce of respect for Dustin Ferguson, who wrote, directed and edited this utter shit show.

Everything about it is dire, an utter waste of time, and let’s talk about that time. It has a run time of 74 mins. I like a film that keeps its runtime down and packs it full of action and plot. However, this film contains approximately 18 minutes of action and/or ‘plot’. The rest of the time is padded out with stock footage of fish, or shots of characters walking along doing fuck all.

In fact, so incredulous was I that I watched one part again, a scientist walking on a pier, halfheartedly looking for a shark. It started at 47:26 and finished at 52:48 — 5 mins and 24 seconds of nothing except some crappily composed shots of some asshole on a pier, and a seagull.

Let’s talk about the technical aspects — not only was it horrendously shot and edited, but the image was blown out so badly to simulate a ‘filmic’ quality, that scenes were unwatchable.

The sound, I assume, was captured in camera, and the one special effect was a hand bought that morning from a Spirit Halloween store. The acting was terrible all round, and it was particularly sad to see Brinke Stevens reduced to this, and for Mel Novak to be wheeled out looking like a lost grandpa trying to remember what he was doing there.

This film is absolute trash, and boring to boot. If you are into filmmaking, I recommend you watch it — there is so much to learn from bad flicks. Why would Amazon buy this to stream? Just to meet a content quota? That’s the only reason I can imagine.

We’re off to a great start.

0/10

Apex Predators (SoCal Cinema Studios, 2021), Virus Shark (SRS Cinema, 2021)

Virus Shark (2021) Prime

What kind of shark? Stock footage, bad CG and a glove puppet.

How deep is the plot? About three feet.

Anyone famous get eaten? No.

The hot garbage continues with this new film that I suspect might be cashing in on the current clime. This is an epic shit show from a fellow called Mark Polonia, who has something of a reputation for no-budget schlock and, as with Apex Predators, I have not one iota of respect for anyone involved in this. Just seething anger.

A shark bite kicks off a worldwide pandemic due to the unpronounceable ‘SHVID’ — seriously, SHOVID was right there. The film follows a group of *cough* scientists who are trying to create an antidote in an undersea lab. An undersea lab, I hasten to add, that was built out of cinderblocks and is festooned with children’s schoolwork on the walls. As usual, the camerawork is shockingly bad, with nary a filmmaking rule adhered to, and the acting is atrocious.

Special mention, however, must be made of the lead actress, who is possibly one of the worst I have EVER watched. Seriously, when I thought the film was finished (she emerges, the lone survivor, from a lake, sorry, the *ocean*), I was shocked and dismayed to learn there was still 25 minutes left of having to watch her blankly react to nothing going on around her.

The only reason I can recommend watching this pile of crab dung is for the security guard’s hair — seriously, watch 10 mins and thank me later.

1/10

Planet of the Sharks (SyFy/The Asylum, 2016), Shark Huntress (Green Apple Productions, 2021)

Planet of the Sharks (2016) Prime

What kind of shark? Bad CG sharks.

How deep is the plot? About a fathom.

Anyone famous get eaten? No.

Here’s a film that I started watching about a year ago and turned off, not wanting to get involved. Fast-forward to today and I watched it all the way through, and enjoyed it! Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a bit of a duffer, but compared to Apex Predators and Virus Shark, it’s Citizen Kane. It was lovely to watch a film that was competently directed, well acted (for the most part) and had a bit of decent production design.

Not only that, but the triumphant return of Dr. Chesty McUndershirt meant that we had elevated several letters to comfortable B-movie status. It’s a Sy-Fy flick, so you know the CG was bashed together by a Czechoslovakian kid in his basement, and the floating townships stranded in the deep ocean were actually sat in the shallows off Long Beach, but I enjoyed it nonetheless and it gave me renewed energy to continue this watch-a-thon.

6/10

Shark Huntress (2021) Prime

What kind of shark? A rubber dorsal fin.

How deep is the plot? About 5 feet before getting tangled in kelp.

Anyone famous get eaten? No.

A real rollercoaster of emotions for anyone stupid enough to think this is going to be good, culminating with the coaster careening off the rails and crashing into the petting zoo.

I’ll admit, the first 30-second drone shot had me fooled, and I could even forgive a lackluster shark attack, which was little more than a rubber fin and some out of focus thrashing, but then the acting began and, hoo boy, the droning continued.

Here’s the thing, I’ve cast actors in low/no budget stuff and the first thing I ask is ‘can they deliver a line?’ There’s plenty of non-SAG talent out there that can sound like they’re not reading off a cue card, or drunk, and when a film is padded out with dull cutaways of forest or beach, you had better make sure your dialogue is peppy enough to lift the film.

Sadly, the script is illogical, the direction is flat, the ‘huntress’ doesn’t do any hunting, and the whole thing is boring, and as you know, that’s the cardinal sin.

Avoid.

1/10 (The 1 is for the drone shots)

Jurassic Shark (Brett Kelly Entertainment, 2012), Swim (The Asylum, 2021)

Jurassic Shark (2012) YouTube

What kind of shark? A CG dollop and a 3 second bit of stock footage on a loop.

How deep is the plot? Seven inches.

Anyone famous get eaten? No.

You already know this is going to be crap, so let’s cut to the chase. Apparently, some oil drilling (“we drilled too deep!”) has released a 200 million-year-old megalodon into a freshwater lake. Rather than go belly up, it proceeds to eat anyone in a bikini. This is a Canadian D-movie, shot in a lake in Ottawa, and features a very small cast and an even smaller megalodon. Seriously, this shark can pull fodder under the waves in about 3 feet of water with nary a fin in sight. The kills are bloodless and dull and the direction is unimaginative and technically quite poor.

All of the reviews I’ve read moan about the acting and, even though it’s not great, the actors at least put a bit of effort in, which elevates them above the previous films in this list. The only thing that might have improved the film was the reliable trope of Dr. Pendulous McSpaghetti-Straps, but in this one the stripping down to a tank top was done by a Vin Diesel lookalike, which is a victory for someone, I’m sure.

1.5/10

Swim (2021) Tubi

What kind of shark? A CG chonk.

How deep is the plot? It varies.

Anyone famous get eaten? No.

This stinker is presented in a diaper stamped ‘The Asylum,’ and if you are a purveyor of craptastic films like me, then you know what to expect. The Asylum have cornered the market in cheap knock-offs of other films (see Transmorphers, Snakes on a Train, etc), and so it was only a matter of time before they ripped off the excellent croc-flick, Crawl.

Despite the acting being marginally better than the usual dreck (with a couple of notable exceptions), and the fact that they obviously had a C-stand, some lights and a crew numbering more than someone’s uncle and the neighbour’s dog, this was still a head-thumpingly awful film.

I think it was just the illogicity of it all, the continuous bad decisions from the characters, the physics-defying water, the drunk grandpa, that finally did me in. A seriously dumb-as-a-bag-of-rocks script and some lousy CG effects make for a miserable viewing experience, and the top-billed Joey ‘Blossom’ Lawrence does absolutely nothing. Rubbish.

2/10

Shark Week (Lasky Productions/The Asylum, 2012), Horror Shark (Youku, 2020)

Shark Week (2012) Tubi

What kind of shark? Various CG abominations.

How deep is the plot? Three feet.

Anyone famous get eaten? Patrick Bergin.

Another from the house of Asylum — this time starring the better of the 1991 Robin Hoods — who proceeds to chew the scenery faster than the rubbish sharks on show, no doubt thinking about the patio extension this irritating turd of a film is going to pay for. Also known as Shark Assault, which is a frankly hilarious and better title, this bears all the hallmarks of a typical Asylum effort; terrible to middling acting, lousy effects, and a script that must have been torn out of a Mad Libs pad.

However, there’s a far greater reason why this film stinks worse than a bucket of chum, and that is the editing. If you have any interest in editing, I urge you to watch this film and ignore everything. The editing is not just awful, it’s certifiable. Seriously, none of it makes a lick of narrative sense. Oh, and don’t get me started on Bergin watching the whole thing play out on his laptop as if he has rented the movie. Yancy Butler, the one good thing about the Lake Placid sequels, is wasted here.

Seven films in and my regret is growing.

2/10

Horror Shark aka Killer Shark aka Blood Shark aka Death Shark (2020) YouTube

What kind of shark? A red one. Mad, too.

How deep is the plot? A couple of fathoms.

Anyone famous get eaten? Possibly, not sure.

China’s first foray into big budget 3D Shark movies, and it’s a cheerful Deep Blue Sea knock-off. A group of attractive scientists and swimmers (plus a token whitey) are trapped in an undersea lab/park by a red shark with a bad attitude. Dodgy science and copious (dodgier) CG flood the screen.

It was a bit of a challenge, as the subtitles whoosh by like a greased hammerhead, but it looks nice and, once the munching starts, is quite entertaining.

6/10

6-Headed Shark Attack (The Asylum, 2018)

6-Headed Shark Attack (2018) Prime

What kind of shark? A chonky, CG good boy. With six heads.

How deep is the plot? About two feet and rising.

Anyone famous get eaten? Nope

The Asylum streak continues, and I’m not sure what’s worse; the fact that I enjoyed this, or the implication that I’ve watched the previous films in this series.

Spoiler: I did and I have.

In any other universe, this would be considered a forgettable B-movie, and it is, but compared the other films so far in my list, this one is decently made, on the whole competently acted, and the shark is adorable, especially on land.

The lead is a chap called Brandon Auret (from Planet of the Sharks). He’s a likeable actor, Neill Blomkamp’s mate, and has a face like a dog-chewed fanny pack. I like him, and I expect him to turn up in another shark flick.

All in all, not terrible.

5/10

Previous Murkey Movie surveys from Neil Baker include:

Alien Overlords
Biggus Footus
I Like Big Bugs and I Cannot Lie
The Weird, Weird West
Warrior Women Watch-a-thon

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Neil Baker’s last article for us was Part III of Alien Overlords. Neil spends his days watching dodgy movies, most of them terrible, in the hope that you might be inspired to watch them too. He is often asked why he doesn’t watch ‘proper’ films, and he honestly doesn’t have a good answer. He is an author, illustrator, outdoor educator and owner of April Moon Books (AprilMoonBooks.com).