Seven Important Advantages of Brunettes in a Sword and Sorcery Setting (and Life in General)

Seven Important Advantages of Brunettes in a Sword and Sorcery Setting (and Life in General)

I’m a brunette. I love being a brunette. I believe it’s both an underestimated and a lifesaving hair color. I have, in fact, studied this in my thirty-some years of (mostly) brunette-dom and sword and sorcery fandom. Today, I share my important, non-scientific and non-criticially supported findings with all of you.

There are actually three brunettes in this picture. Can you spot them?
There are actually three brunettes in this picture. Can you spot them?

1 – Brown is the Color of Dirt

That is an advantage, trust me! Being a brunette is so common that people think you could be anybody. Your own parents, should they have golden or red locks, might not recognize you from the other brown-haired child next door. This is good! Be unnoticeable. I imagine, through no personal experience of my own, that it’s also helpful in getting away with crime. *shifty eyes*

2 – You Won’t be a Giant Beacon

My roommate is a redhead. I purposefully chose to live with a redhead for a simple reason: in any invading scenario, she’ll lead off the enemy troops with her beacon of a head while I make a good getaway. (I’m not so shallow that I just live with her because she’s a redhead. She also bakes bread.)

red-sonja-pinup
“GO RED GO!”

3 – You Won’t be a Trophy

That’s for blondes. Deal with your station in life and scrub those floors, brunettes. (Oh, what about Princess Leia, you ask? She’s not sword and sorcery and so doesn’t count. Ha.)

4 – You Won’t get as Bloody

That’s for redheads. I imagine that once my roommate has gone Red Sonja and killed all the invading forces, she’ll come for my cowardly hide. I’ll just drop to the ground and hide in the dirt, and she’ll never find me. So many benefits to being a brunette!

5 – You Could join an Orgy!

… okay, I’m not sure this is actually a plus, but they need lots of extras for orgies and brunettes are common, so go brunettes! Can’t have all your fancy slaves be blonde or red. So, um, that’s good. Maybe?

Some of this article's image searches were scarring. Sad kitten is sad by lack of Google foresight.
Some of this article’s image searches were scarring. Sad kitten is sad by lack of Google foresight.

6 – You won’t Clash

Let’s be honest – redheads get put in chainmail bikinis because silver works well with red (it is very complementary). Blondes get put in virginal white robes because that’s also a lovely match-up. Brunettes can look good in anything! Well, okay, not anything. Yellow is bad for most people (someone please take note of that).

7 – Again, You Match Dirt

I can’t emphasize how important this is. You blend in! You hide in ditches when armies invade and become invisible to the naked eye.

Just keep your clothes color in mind – heck, if you come from a hairy family, just throw off the clothes and drop to the ground! Even if you’re captured, there will be dirt elsewhere and the chance to drop down and vanish will present itself!

You will be free! You will outlive all others! You will shout proudly from you mud pit, alive and free, for you are a brunette!


Marie Bilodeau is a proud brunette who write books and tells stories. Check out www. mariebilodeau.com.

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GreenGestalt

On the other hand the Brunette is the classic “Disposable” character… “Tavern Wench, low end prostitute, sacrifice victim”… In short, the one Conan and other guys (by Crom, how does he avoid disease?) sexually harass in the bar or the one the Followers of Gutullu sacrifice before their men steal the pretty blonde princess that Gnorts the Barbarian goes off to save?

That professional whiner – Anita Sarkeesian pointed out in games like Assasins’s creed there are “Disposable” prostitutes where one psycho kills one after another until you get the assasin – then one pirates slit the throat – she didn’t point out both were brunettes…

If the Clonan barbarian came by with treasure after slaying the dragon, looting an ancient tomb, etc. and hit up with the buxom brunette wench who was working in the tavern she could “Civilize” him just enough so instead of squandering his treasure and maybe getting a one night stand with the blonde princess (and the king wanting to kill him then) he could start a business or buy/stab his way into replacing the local boyar and she’d be a good practical woman and bear his strong sons versus the slim blonde princess who’d probably die at birth #1…

I’m guilty of it too – working on a scene where a vampire is menacing a tavern wench he grabbed – yes a buxom brunette – not even naming said character – coz it’s just a setting for the hero to burst in…for my illustrator to help with my e-text sales by having the buxom busom heaving under the torn dress almost revealed (no nipples, bush, got to think of the children that might see it!) as the menacing vampire bares his fangs at her throat…

BTW-not trolling you here, just trying to join in on the humor. I’m a big “non-PC” advocate of classic Sword and Sorcery but I have noticed some wretched cliche tropes I have had issue with especially “Why chase after that waif princess, how ’bout hitting it up with the strangely unattached tavern wench or instead of buying for 10,000 gold the tiny elfin lady buy for 100 the pretty but solid tan skin dark haired lady…”

Aonghus Fallon

Red-heads are attention-seekers, prone to wading into battle clad only in a chainmail bikini while screaming their heads off. Blondes are all fluttering eyelashes and fawning gratitude. The first is easy to avoid, and why on earth would you want to avoid the second? Your brunette is a tricky customer, though. They tend to hold grudges and when they finally do decide to wreak revenge, you never see them coming, especially in forested areas – it’s the brown hair, you see. The brown hair and the tanned complexion (from a lifetime outdoors) plus a certain fondness for animal skins.

Ageless Falcon,
Mercenary & Despot (ret’d).

Sarah Avery

Ah, Ageless Falcon, I see you remember the foot and hatchet incident with more fondness than you admitted to. Yes, vengeance and animal skins. Those were the days.

I find it’s easier to inspire terror in my conquered foes now that I’m going gray. I’ve had to paint on the standard facial scar — with my battle prowess, I never ended up getting a real one. Though it’s true that yellow is rarely flattering on anyone, my golden circlet turns out to be quite harmonious with silver-streaked brown.

Aonghus Fallon

Almost grey? Dear oh dear. I shall avoid any silver birch woods from now on, then – just to be on the safe side. One thumb is better than no thumbs at all!

Yours as ever,

Ageless Falcon.

P.S. Rumour has it that scar is quite real, btw.

Violette Malan

As a brunette myself, I can testify that we also look good in hats.

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