Black Gate

Sands of Oblivion (2007) – Tubi

Quite a mixed bag for this one; a cluster of decent actors, an intriguing storyline, a fun, practical monster, and then… SyFy CG effects, TV-safe horror, a dune buggy chase.

A bunch of scientists, Egyptologists, and film historians find themselves in the Guadalupe-Nipomo Dunes in Santa Barbara, CA, site of Cecil B. De Mille’s epic production of The Ten Commandments. They are there to oversee the digging up and relocation of the original sets, but wouldn’t you know it, old Cecil used real artifacts in his film, and one is a cursed amulet that sets free a demonic force hellbent on destroying the world.

Or something.

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A new 20-film watch-a-thon project. All previously unseen, all free to watch. The twist for this one is that I typed the word ‘mummy’ into Tubi’s search engine, and just chose the first 20 films that showed up. I already know this is going to be terrible, and I’m really interested to see if any of the films I’m going to watch will score higher than 5 out of 10. Here goes…

Isis Rising: Curse of the Lady Mummy (AKA Tomb of the Mummy) (2013) – Tubi

Once again I am tricked like the feeble-minded fool that I am by a film with the word ‘mummy’ in the title, and no mummy in the film.

A hokey, green-screen prologue tells the sordid tale of King Osiris, his sister and wife, Isis, and his jealous brother Seth. Seth fancies Isis (his sister-in-law and sister), so he has Osiris killed and chopped up. However, Isis is a witch of sorts, and vows to reassemble Osiris before she herself is murdered.

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Starting a new 20-film watch-a-thon project. All previously unseen, all free to watch. The twist for this one is that I typed the word ‘mummy’ into Tubi’s search engine, and just chose the first 20 films that showed up. I already know this is going to be terrible, and I’m really interested to see if any of the films I’m going to watch will score higher than 5 out of 10. Here goes…

The Mummy Resurrected (2014) – Tubi

Straight out of the gate comes this steaming pile from Halcyon International Pictures, a production company in the same vein as The Asylum, UnCork’d, and Wild Eye. HIP had a go at ‘reinventing’ a bunch of classic horror stories, and for this one they claim it is based on Bram Stoker’s The Jewel of Seven Stars, a tenuous claim at best.

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Rise of the Machine Girls (2019) – Tubi

Arriving eleven years after Noboru Iguchi’s Machine Girl, this film is directed by Yûki Kobayashi in the frenetic style of a live-action manga — all high energy, insane reaction shots, and over-the-top violence.

In a dystopian town, a desperate population is forced to survive by selling their body parts and organs to the ruthless Dharmas, the crime family that controls the area. In the midst of this misery is a small cabaret show that features a pair of girls, Ami and Yoshi, who put on displays of combat for their adoring customers, when they would rather just be ‘idols,’ doing cute dances and making cute sounds. Yoshi has already lost an arm, and she sets out to get revenge on the Dharma family for something or other. She is captured and tortured, and it is down to Ami and a helpful assassin to save her.

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Septic Man (2013) – Plex

From the country that is about to bring you The Pee Pee Poo Poo Man (Canada), comes another scatological extravaganza — Septic Man! From the writer of the excellent ‘Pontypool’, this is an origin story, although I’m not sure if they plan to make any more.

Jack is a sanitary worker who has been tasked to discover the cause of an entire town’s poisoned water. We know the water is poisoned because the very opening scene involves a poor woman spurting from every orifice in the filthiest bathroom you have ever seen. With the tone set, the film proceeds to trap Jack in a disgusting septic tank, surrounded by bodies, and slowly mutating due to the toxic whatnots in the water.

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It’s that time again. I can sense casual Black Gate users getting complacent, so here is a new movie watch-a-thon project. This time, based on my recent experience with The Substance, I’m going to be unearthing flicks that deal with transformation; Jekyll and Hyde riffs, body horror, self-made monsters. Bear with me as it’s often difficult to find films I haven’t seen before, but with perseverance and nightly prayer I’m sure I can get to the finish line in a timely manner. With that said…

Metamorphosis (1990) – Tubi

Taking inspiration from the success of The Fly from four years prior, Italian director Luigi Montefiori (under the pseudonym G.L. Eastman) banged out this strange little film about a single-minded scientist and his doomed experimentation. There are plenty of similarities to Cronenberg’s classic: an ill-fated love affair, pseudoscience, baboons, slow body decay, and the dispatching of interfering busy-bodies, but its a bit of a slog due to some underwhelming performances, weird shot choices, and ropey effects.

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Pacific Rim (2013)

It goes without saying that I have to include Del Toro’s love-letter to kaiju flicks on this list, and this one, being the first in a patchy franchise, ticks all the boxes.

Giant, horrible monsters? Check.

Colossal, clunky robots (loosely speaking)? Check

Citywide destruction? Check.

Ron Perlman? Check and check.

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Grizzly (Columbia Pictures, May 16, 1976) and The White Buffalo (United Artists, May 6, 19779)

Grizzly (1976)

Following the 1975 movie phenomenon about a hungry fish, a bunch of large animal flicks reared their heads in an effort to take a bite out of the box office.

One of them was Grizzly, a tale as old as time about an 18ft prehistoric bear that develops a taste for campers and rangers. One man tries to warn everyone, is shot down by the authorities, and recruits some specialists to help hunt it down. Yes, Grizzy was indeed compared unfavorably to Jaws, and rightly so, but I still love it.

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In a slight deviation from our usual fare, for this list I am simply highlighting my favorite monster movies. So, no first time watches, and I’m not sure how many of these are still free to stream (but I suspect most of them if you are good at exploring). Also there are 21 films in this list, in no particular order, because I’m feeling saucy.

Let’s go!

Kong: Skull Island (2017)

Let’s get the histrionics out of the way. Yes, I’m choosing this over the 1933 original, but that’s not to say that I don’t love the Merian C. Cooper/Ernest B. Schoedsack/Willis O’Brien classic. For nostalgic reasons, that film will always hold a special place, but for sheer entertainment value, I’m choosing Jordan Vogt-Roberts’ love letter to the monster mashes of old.

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The Curse (Trans World Entertainment, September 11, 1987) and In the Tall Grass (Netflix, October 4, 2019)

Yes, a new watch-a-thon, featuring me, a hopeless procrastinator, plumbing the depths of cinematic misery for your entertainment.

This time around, I will be watching Lovecraftian and Lovecraftian-adjacent films, and as usual they must be films I’ve never seen before (which makes the task trickier and bound for disaster).

If you don’t know anything about Lovecraft’s writings, cosmic horror, the Mythos, or Cthulhu, panic not. Onwards!

The Curse (AKA The Farm) (1987) – Tubi

Directed by David Keith (no, the other one), The Curse is a slightly faithful adaptation of ‘The Color Out of Space,’ just without any, um, colors.

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