Sands of Oblivion (2007) – Tubi

Quite a mixed bag for this one; a cluster of decent actors, an intriguing storyline, a fun, practical monster, and then… SyFy CG effects, TV-safe horror, a dune buggy chase.

A bunch of scientists, Egyptologists, and film historians find themselves in the Guadalupe-Nipomo Dunes in Santa Barbara, CA, site of Cecil B. De Mille’s epic production of The Ten Commandments. They are there to oversee the digging up and relocation of the original sets, but wouldn’t you know it, old Cecil used real artifacts in his film, and one is a cursed amulet that sets free a demonic force hellbent on destroying the world.

Or something.

I shouldn’t complain, it’s a much more interesting idea than a good deal of the films in this list, and based (very loosely) on fact!

Anyhoo — things take a turn, and various background characters get turned to pixels. Oh, and Freemasons.

This is a Firefly reunion of sorts, as two of the main leads are Monica Baccarin and Adam Baldwin, here playing a wife and husband in the throes of a divorce. They are both good, as is Dan (Homer Simpson) Castellaneta as De Mille. They are supported by an interesting cast including George Kennedy (on his last legs), Richard Kind, John Aniston (Jen’s dad), and Victor Webster as an ex-grunt who brings the smooches and the gunplay.

The creature itself is an Anubis-headed, rotten-fleshed, monster, and should have been a lot more fun instead of being reduced to lumbering around and strangling folk.

Bottom line — I sort of enjoyed it, but it is severely hamstrung by being a SyFy film from 2007.

5/10

The Mummy and the Curse of the Jackals (1969) – Tubi

We reach the three-quarter mark with this goofy slice of hokum from 1969. Dr. David Barrie (Anthony Eisley) has dredged up a pair of sarcophagi containing the googly eyed remains of a male mummy, and the beautifully preserved remains of Princess Ankana.

Barrie develops highly unethical feelings towards the princess, and asks to be locked in a room with her corpse, for scientific reasons. It’s a full moon, and so this activates a curse, transforming Dr. Barrie into a were-jackal. Too dead cops and a headache later, he wakes up, none the wiser to his excursion.

This continues until Ankana is accidentally released from her box, whereupon Dr. Barrie shows her how to put on a bra, and takes her out for dinner on the Vegas strip. The male mummy wakes up, and, not wanting to be the third wheel in this love pyramid, sets about beating the snot out of the jackal man. Hijinks ensue. Oh, and David Carradine pops up as Dr. Exposition.

This recently got a Blu-ray rerelease, but the version on Tubi is a horrific VHS transfer, meaning most of it is impossible to see. This only adds to its charm though. It’s patently rubbish, but the music pops, the jackal man will appeal to the furry-curious, and it’s shot guerilla-style, meaning you get to enjoy the real expressions of casino-goers as a jackal and a mummy push through the crowds, slapping each other with wild abandon. Fun!

5/10

Blood of the Mummy (2019) – Tubi

Another ultra-low budget affair, this time with a fun idea, some decent actors, and a director who gives it her best.

Louise’s parents are killed while excavating the tomb of Princess Ananka by a fearsomely protective mummy. Little Louise is given a scarab amulet that not only protects her from the mummy, but also summons it when she is in peril. Cue flashes of her life where she is tormented by a ghastly great aunt (snuffed out), bullied by nasty highschoolers (all dispatched), and sexually assaulted by a lowlife (taught the error of his ways via willy removal. And death). Though grateful, Louise would like a normal life and, while in a mental institution, sets about unravelling the curse.

I quite liked this one. Even though it suffers from the usual no-money issues (woefully under-dressed sets, the occasional fluffed line), writer/director Christine Parker at least gives us some interesting shots, and the practical gore effects are a delight. It has some pacing issues (gets VERY talky in the second half), but on the whole, a noble effort, and much better than similar films on this list.

5/10

Assignment: Terror (AKA Frankenstein vs Dracula) (1970) – Tubi

“Beautiful women are like powerful magnets. We shall use them to attract scientists, generals, statesmen, and their vital secrets.”

So says Michael Rennie (in his last film) as Dr. Odo Warnoff from the doomed planet Umoo. His plan is to seize control of Earth, not by using his ‘atomics’, but by preying on the fears and superstitions of humanity. Naturally, this involves resurrecting Dracula, Frankenstein’s creature*, a mummy, and a werewolf (Daninsky, played here by writer/actor Paul Naschy, the John Belushi of Spanish werewolves). The other aliens fall victim to pesky human traits like feelings and emotions, and soon the plan is on thin ice.

It’s as ridiculous as you might expect, and therefore a heap of fun. Naschy makes himself the hero, as per usual, but you have to wait a while for the final showdown between the monsters. Evidently the filmmakers couldn’t secure the rights to use ‘Frankenstein’, so the characters keep referring to *Dr. Farancksalan.

Farancksalan’s monster looks like the Glenn Strange version of the classic lump, except this one keeps its eyes closed to a thin slit, making it look either pensive or constipated.

Bottom line — it’s as daft as a box of badgers, and I loved it.

6/10

Legion of the Dead (2005) – Tubi

Let’s cut to the chase, this is hot garbage.

The film kicks off with a badly shot and edited scene of a couple of dirt bikers in Southern California. One falls into a sinkhole and discovers an Egyptian tomb, and they both set off some booby traps. Dead.

A short while later, the tomb is being investigated by a wholly unprofessional team of archeologists and horny students. An ancient priestess called Aneh-Tet is accidentally awoken, and she goes about looking for three lads to kill to resurrect her six mummy protectors. She does this by swanning about in the buff and dehydrating them with an ‘After Effects’ glare. A bright student, Molly, rumbles Aneh-Tet’s plans, and sets about preventing the end of the world etc. etc.

Despite a couple of fun deaths, this is a mostly dire production, not helped by tragic editing and dodgy compositing. Bruce (Tron) Boxleitner and Zach (Gremlins) Galligan briefly show up to cash their cheques, but the bulk of the film sits on the shoulders of the improbably-named Courtney Clonch as Molly, and she is so apathetic in this that it seems Aneh-Tet had already sucked her soul out before shooting began.

Ugh.

3/10

Seven Mummies (2005) – Tubi

On the penultimate lap of the mummy marathon, and my tired old eyes have given up the ghost. At least I’m finishing with a couple of films that do something different.

Seven Mummies starts off as a grimy western, where a couple of robbers are dragging a coffin full of gold across the desert. It’s all a bit Sergio Leone, but then suddenly we are in the present day and a truck full of convicts has crashed. They escape, taking a female hostage (Officer Chesty McCleavage in a triumphant return), and wind up in a wild west town recreation, or so they think. If they had been paying attention to Danny “I’m an Apache” Trejo who gave them directions to the town, they might have sussed his mocking laugh (which gets used A LOT).

Anyhoo, the town is full of apparent cosplayers in western garb and they meet Martin (Cobra Kai) Kove, who invites them to drink at the bar. There they encounter Drake, the town’s boss, played by movie-saving actor Billy Drago, here having a wonderful time, and they learn about some treasure thereabouts. They also meet Adrianne Palicki’s saloon girl, Isabelle, who tells them to get out before sundown. They don’t, the townsfolk turn into zombies or vampires or something, and shenanigans ensue.

It all felt very Con-Air meets From Dusk ’til Dawn on a significantly lower budget, but I’m a sucker for anachronistic flicks (see Walker or Biggles) and I enjoyed the motorbike v horse standoff at the end. It’s no masterpiece, but I enjoyed myself.

6/10

Wrestling Women vs The Aztec Mummy (1964) – Tubi

We did it. I consider this a collaborative effort, because I have to watch them, and you have to read my semi-literate bellyaching.

So well done. Pat on the back and all that.

Academic types are being bumped off by the sinister Black Dragon gang, led by the obviously Mexican Japanese criminal mastermind, Prince Fujiyata. Prince Fujiyata is looking for the missing pieces of a codex that will lead to some Aztec treasure, and he’s killing off the archeological team that originally found the tomb. Via vague family ties and coincidental events, Loretta and Golden Rubi, renowned female wrestlers, get roped into the kerfuffles, and must half-nelson their way through a bunch of goons and, ultimately, a mummy, to save their pals.

It’s all extremely silly and full of wonderfully unintentional laugh out loud moments (e.g. the mummy turns into a bat and flies, stiff-winged, into a bedroom. Upon being rumbled, he escapes via the film being run backwards, ergo he flies out in reverse. Brilliant.)

It’s a nicely restored print on Tubi, albeit the English-dubbed version, but this also leads to some astonishingly cringy dialogue (therefore I loved it).

6/10

A fun way to end — can’t say it’s been a favorite project, but I did find a couple of gems amongst the bones.

That’s a wrap.

Previous Murky Movie surveys from Neil Baker include:

Mummy Issues, Part I
Mummy Issues, Part II
Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
Monster Mayhem
It’s All Rather Hit-or-Mythos
You Can’t Handle the Tooth
Tubi Dive
What Possessed You?
Fan of the Cave Bear
There, Wolves
What a Croc
Prehistrionics
Jumping the Shark

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Neil Baker’s last article for us was Part II of Mummy Issues. Neil spends his days watching dodgy movies, most of them terrible, in the hope that you might be inspired to watch them too. He is often asked why he doesn’t watch ‘proper’ films, and he honestly doesn’t have a good answer. He is an author, illustrator, teacher, and sculptor of turtle exhibits. (AprilMoonBooks.com).