Black Gate

A 20 film marathon of werewolf movies I’ve never seen before.

As usual, the films must be free to stream.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

My Mom’s a Werewolf (1989) YouTube

Man or beast? Gradual, hairy transformation into rubbish suits.

Howlin’ good time? The 80s are arguably the greatest decade for horror and, perhaps, the much maligned sub-genre of horror comedy, but this one squeaks in at the end hoping to ride some Teen-Wolf coat tails, and it doesn’t quite succeed. The intention is there, everyone gives it their all to a cartoonish level, and John Saxon is awesome, but for me the jokes didn’t always land, and it felt horribly dated.

…

Read More Read More

A 20 film marathon of werewolf movies I’ve never seen before.

As usual, the films must be free to stream.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

A Werewolf in England (2020) Prime

Man or beast? A bunch of hairy honkers.

Howlin’ good time? Hot on the heels of Werewolves Within comes another horror comedy, although this one doesn’t come close to succeeding. It starts well enough, with a title card font reminiscent of the best Bray Studios films, and some gravelly voiced dialects, but it soon regresses into a two-note gag reel of chamber pots and the contents of chamber pots.

…

Read More Read More

A 20 film marathon of werewolf movies I’ve never seen before.

As usual, the films must be free to stream.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Werewolf Rising (2014) YouTube

Man or beast? It looks more like a hairy extra from The Hobbit.

Howling’ good time? Nope. We are off to a rip-roaring start with this dull effort shot entirely in Arkansas, if that floats your boat.

…

Read More Read More

My next watch-a-thon is a favorite genre: crocs and gators. Unfortunately, this means the pickings are a bit slim, as I’ve already seen most of them, but I’ve managed to dig up 15 so far (supplemented with a Gila Monster and a couple of Komodos), and I’m sure the intended list of 20 will materialize as streaming services start suggesting titles.

What a Croc #14: Black Water: Abyss (2020) Crackle

Croc or gator? Crocodile!

Real or faker? Some pretty great CG.

Any good? I do like me an Aussie croc flick, and this is one of them. The premise is simple: stick some folks in a cave, flood it, trap them, let loose a big croc. The spaces are tight, the tension is taut, and the croc has the good sense to eat the cast in order of character development.*

…

Read More Read More

My next watch-a-thon is a favourite genre: crocs and gators. Unfortunately, this means the pickings are a bit slim, as I’ve already seen most of them, but I’ve managed to dig up 15 so far (supplemented with a Gila Monster and a couple of Komodos), and I’m sure the intended list of 20 will materialize as streaming services start suggesting titles.

Killer Crocodile 2 (1990) Tubi

Croc or gator? Crocodile. Again.

Real or faker? A hilarious puppet. The same one.

Any good? A direct follow on from the first story, this time the offspring of the first puppet is doing the chewing. Nefarious types are still dumping toxic waste, thrill seekers are still inexplicably wakeboarding in the world’s muddiest river, and ladies are still getting their kit off for a leaden leading man. Actually, the sexy pillow talk is a highlight. “Don’t you know that fear and near death situations stimulate and heighten a man’s reproductive organs?” Phwoar, steady on, love, you had me at ‘Don’t’.

…

Read More Read More

My next watch-a-thon is a favorite genre: crocs and gators. Unfortunately, this means the pickings are a bit slim, as I’ve already seen most of them, but I’ve managed to dig up 15 so far (supplemented with a Gila Monster and a couple of Komodos), and I’m sure the intended list of 20 will materialize as streaming services start suggesting titles.

Dark Age (1987) YouTube

Croc or gator? A 25ft saltwater crocodile.

Real or faker? A lovely, animatronic behemoth.

Any good? A thoroughly decent offering from the Ozploitation market, Dark Age is far from a mindless bloodbath sprinkled with spring breakers, and instead does what most Australian horror does: provide thrills alongside a biting social commentary. The croc in question is Numunwari, considered a God by the local Aboriginal population, but the extremely unpleasant white folks just see it as a trophy for their walls. Doubly so after it kills several people (including a rather unsettling attack on a young child).

…

Read More Read More

We’re off on another adventure filled to the brim with disappointment. 20 films I’ve never seen before, all free to stream, all dinosaur-based.

Oh God.

The Jurassic Dead (2017) Tubi

Just how bad is the CG? Rubbish.

Sexy scientist? Nope.

Mumbo jumbo? Reanimation, dinosaurs, zombies, asteroids.

Just in case you thought I might try to start the year on a high note, might I present this tripe. The premise is simple: a Herbert West type (complete with glowing green reanimating fluid and dead cat) loses his job and decides to destroy the world. Somehow he has a T-Rex, which he zombifies, and then he turns into Immortan Joe and sets off an EMP just as asteroids wipe out some cities. A crack, sorry crap, team of commandos based on 80s action figures must team up with a group of hugely unlikeable civilians to survive.

…

Read More Read More

We’re off on another adventure filled to the brim with disappointment. 20 films I’ve never seen before, all free to stream, all dinosaur-based.

Oh god.

Planet Raptor (2007) Tubi

Just how bad is the CG? Horrendous.

Sexy scientist? Yep.

Mumbo jumbo? Alien termite Ren fair raptors.

I got tricked by seeing a couple of names I recognized (Steven Bauer, Ted Raimi, Vanessa Angel) and ended up hate-watching this exercise in dull stupidity. A sequel to the possibly worse Raptor Island, this one pits a platoon of inept space marines against a medieval planet full of dinosaurs, lovingly rendered using PS2 graphics.

…

Read More Read More

We’re off on another adventure filled to the brim with disappointment. 20 films I’ve never seen before, all free to stream, all dinosaur-based.

Oh God.

Hatched (2021) Prime

Just how bad is the CG? Almost okay except when interacting with lunch.

Sexy scientist? Yep.

Mumbo jumbo? Cloning, reanimation, gene foolery.

There are a couple of production company names that, if they pop up at the beginning, let me know what to expect. Uncorked is one of them. Imagine my surprise then, when this film turned out to be competently shot and, for the most part, decently acted.

Filmed on one stately location in the UK, it’s basically a hide and seek story with CG dinosaurs. Despite the (you would imagine) adrenaline-laced plot, it’s all very pedestrian, nobody seems overly concerned, and I counted four, count ‘em, four very slow head turns in reaction to growling, just before snacking.

…

Read More Read More

Sharknado 6: It’s About Time (The Asylum/Syfy Films, 2018), and Great White (Piccadilly Pictures, 2021)

So, here we go. A new watch-a-thon, this one based on a handful of the 500+ shark movies that I haven’t seen (or gave up on). I’m not holding out much hope for these — shark movies are, on the whole, awful, but I know for a fact that some of these are among the worst films ever made. This 20-film marathon is me just trying to understand why they get made, bought and streamed.

Sharknado 6: It’s About Time (2019) Prime

What kind of shark? Lots of CG sharks and some ropey dinosaurs.

How deep is the plot? 10 meters.

Anyone famous get eaten? Only beans. Hasbeans.

…

Read More Read More